Insatiable Notebook

Motivation

2008-07-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

QQ and I had a lovely time last week in the mountains! The weather was great (even the rain)and the company was even better. I am still awed by the perks of my new life! I was really proud of myself today as I cleaned two messy rooms upstairs. There are piles of old bills that I never filed and all sorts of crap that I keep pledging to get rid of...I finally went through it all today. It feels great! I am eager to get this crap out of my house and get some money in my pocket for it. I am ever hopeful that it will be worth something!

Wonderings About Baby Bumps

2008-06-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I got my haircut and Savvy Michigan and I ended up in a hysterical conversation about baby bumps. We were picking out names together for our future children and we started talking about what we want. A boy or a girl. We came to the realization that it might be fun to have a boy because that would be the one time in our lives that there would be a penis in "there" and there would be no sex involved. Unbelievable!
Hubby comes home soon and I am excited about it. I am missing him more and more when he is out of town. I want him home. I don't like the uneasy feeling I get when the nest is empty. When I was younger, I didn't mind so much, but things seem to change as I get older. I can't imagine him at this job much longer and hopefully I won't have to!

I Am a Work in Progress

2008-06-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

I realize this more each day as God forces me to confront things. Okay, so it doesn't quite work like that for me, but it is true I am confronted with my limitations and forced to decide what I am willing to work on and what I live with. This post is about something I live with...and I sleep well too.
I was invited to a jewerly party a few weeks ago. It was lovely to spend time with friends. I even planned on buying something.
Until.
Something happened.
That,
changed everything!
The company this home based jewelry party loves Jesus. They are a "Christian based Company."

What the hell does that really mean?

Suddenly, I had no interest in buying anything. Jesus came up several times in the sales pitch and then again in the catalog. I couldn't do it. I sat there for 3 hours and bought nothing. I am sure all parties involved are good people (I am really trying here.), but how do I really know? Are they the bigots who condemn my gay friends because they are gay? Are they pro-life and do they give large quantities of money to The Christian Coalition? These are all reasons I didn't choose to buy anything.
I went home empty handed, but with integrity. I am thankful I am grounded in what my beliefs are. I suppose they are as well.

Take a seat

2008-06-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe how my life has changed in the past 6 months. I have been planning to post to this blog for oh...like...4 months now, but I didn't feel like I had much to say. Besides I have been preoccupied with my other blog. I planned on making this entry all about my love for my new job, but that suddenly seems not at all interesting to write about.
Baby Talk. Outloud. You see I have been thinking about having babies for a long time. I just didn't tell anyone. It is much easier to say, "No I really don't want to have them. I like being a D.I.N.K." then to explain that I didn't really know what or when I wanted them. So I thought about kids a lot, but rarely outloud...until recently. I am ready. I am ready for Hubby to graduate. Get a job. and start a family. I no longer puke at the thought of being prego. I actually like browsing in the baby section on my way to kitty litter at Target and I have been contemplating what colors to paint the extra room when the time comes.
Now that I am planning, creating a list of baby names, and planning some more I am finally motivated to save like a crazy woman. I figure I will lose much of my disposable income when we take on parenthood, so I better plan for it now. That should keep me busy for another year.

My nipples are hard!

2008-02-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

Perky Nips! Perky Nips! Yes my husband is touching me, but anyway...I finally feel like I have something great to write about and it isn't sex! I am moving up in the world. Say hello to a much more important job title. I can't wait.:)

I am thinking about getting a new haircut. I would love to grow it about 5 inches longer and style it all sorts of sexy! However, I don't really like the way it looks now and although I have a cute short cut in mind...I'm nervous. Do I really want to cut it all off? I am thinking about a new look anyway to go with my much more interesting job title.

I'm ready for my close-up!

2007-01-24T16:53:00.000-08:00

I think I was on the news tonight. I recorded so I can watch it (I just got home). Monday I went to a meeting that is of particular interest to the public and I was interviewed by a reporter. I am hopeful I sound smart, not stupid. I got nervous and I couldn't help it! We can hope for the best.
I am so excited about The Burn. We bought our tickets to Burning Man last week. It is going to be our first time and we are going with a a dear friend. Hubby sees this as a chance to get in shape. All I can think about is all the penises I am going to see. OMG, I can't wait. I'm considering bring body paint and going nude...at least once. I will need to make sure I am nicely groomed for that week. Let the fun begin. :)

Blog For Choice 2007

2007-01-22T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today is Blog For Choice Day! What an exciting day! Last time I blogged for choice it was very different then today. I am changed this year. I have had an experience that has changed everything, but not in the way I thought it would. Funny how that goes. I used to think about nest building all the time, but now I talk about it. I am sorry that wasn't ready last summer. My body was. Now I wonder have I hindered my chances? How have I changed them? I have read the statistics and they aren't totally in my favor. All things to consider in the next few years, as I continue my nest building.

Fuck the the government that thinks they will ever come between Hubby and I. It was our decision and it was the right one for us! I blog for choice today because I have to. This is a right that needs to exist for women everywhere.

Take Home Chef

2007-01-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

God, I love that show. It's on TLC. Adorable Curtis the gourmet British chef finds you in the grocery store, buys your groceries, escorts you home in YOUR car, and makes you and a special person dinner. YUM! By the way, Curtis is ever so YUMMY! Last night, Hubby and I were cuddling on the couch and Take Home Chef came on. I confessed that this show is the only reason I look nice when I go the store. So Hubby started thinking. I have a messy car and a messy house often. Hubby pointed out that Curtis would be riding in my car. DO I really want him to see that mess? Then, he pointed out that Curtis would come in my messy house. Do I really want him to see a messy house. Well, Curtis and everybody watching TV in America!
Shit.
The answer is no of course I don't want him to see that mess. I hate it when Hubby finds ways to help me clean up after myself.

Parenting

2007-01-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

I had a moment today when I actually imagined myself as a future parent. I don't play favorites, but this one little monkey is just too much fun. We haven't seen him in a few days as he has been sick, but he returned today. He came to the door with his big smile (and a hug--aah, so sweet). I told him we missed him terribly. I mentioned the room has been quiet (he is a noise maker). He smiled and giggled and told me he missed ME terribly and he couldn't wait to get to school today. He wanted to know what book I started reading. Then he was sad to hear that he missed the first 2 chapters of Bunnicula. (I promised I would help him catch up.) He also wondered about his new word study group. He told me he spent the weekend on the couch with a fever watching TV and reading. We chatted about the books he read. I lectured him for picking "too easy" books, but then I relented because he had been sick...He smiled. "Mrs," he said, "Now that I feel better, don't worry I am back to working hard." All day he hung a little closer then usual. We were testing today, but he didn't care because he got to be at school, learning, with us! There are days when I am reminded why I teach. This little monkey reminded me today. At recess Monkey and I chatted about what he could be when he grows up. He asked for my input. I told him that he would make a great engineer or architect and then I explained why I thought that. He agreed that those were good choices and he told me he "trusts my judgements." He decided he would go home and discuss his options with his parents tonight. Seriously, he made my heart melt. Kids can be so wonderful.
These are the moments that I realize what a joke No Child Left Behind Is. This monkey will learn and do fine in school. In many ways he seems average, but I challenge him. I set the bar high and he exceeds expectations everyday because he is engaged. I wish that every kid could have this type of experience at school.
I think I would be a great mom. I am nest-building. Don't get too excited because it isn't happening anytime soon--I still get the puke urge when I really think about it.

Wonderings

2007-01-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

If this grosses you out...LEAVE. I wonder how many women have a lot of sex while they are on their periods? This last week I have been hormonal with many mood swings AND I was on my period. I am thankful each month for getting my period (for obvious reasons), but at the same time...I fucking hate it. Hubby isn't home to service me and I am feeling, well, quite horny actually. A few nights ago I was looking for something innocent in The Drawer and I accidently turned on the blue, pearly one. God that thing can be noisy. Hubby couldn't stop laughing when the whole drawer was vibrating and making loud noises that I couldn't shut off to save my life.

Relations

2007-01-04T20:28:00.000-08:00

I am so excited for a dear friend I will call Frisky Sailor. Frisky is getting more confident and daring and did a great job cruising! Quick and satisfying sex with a stranger is what Frisky did recently. Frisky...I want your life. This event in Frisky's life has got me thinking about the escapades I have had. You know what...I haven't had sex with a stranger. That is so unfair! Now listen up lurkers I love Hubby deeply and I don't plan on cheating, at least not without permission. Which brings me to another thought. Last weekend I watched a Zach Braff (LOVE HIM)movie that involves love, turning 30, and cheating on your lover. I think maybe I am unlike most other girls. I really felt differently then the girl that played opposite Zach (we are on a first name basis, you know) about cheating. If Hubby wants to have sex with another...fine, JUST TELL ME...I might want to be there. What the hell is the big deal? I am more concerned about being in THE KNOW. He is going to come home to me no matter how good it is (and probably do it again).
Cheers, Frisky.
I am so fucking proud of you!

Toast Life and Babies

2007-01-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

That's what I was thinking last night. I stopped at our lovely Food Lion for my grocery shopping. Noisy shoppers were probably confused because I had a wedding ring on, but everything in my cart screamed SINGLE. I had a bottle of wine, fried chicken, pie, and some fruit. I lost all credibility when I checked out. As 20 something scanned my purchases he asked me for my ID. Well, I had a long, dumb day as usual and I wasn't really paying attention to what he said. (I thought he asked if I had my value card with me.) So I said, "No." Well he said something and then his manager came over and politely, but condescendingly explained that they are required to card me. DUH! I pulled out my ID and with my annoying tone said, "I know that. Here is my ID." Then there was this ackward silence after that as he finished scanning my crap (I am sure they all thought I was totally crazy!) The 5 customers behind me were looking at me funny too, only I didn't know why. Suddenly, I realized the whole misunderstanding and I found myself laughing loudly. I quickly explained and they all smiled and laughed, but I am sure they all thought I was an idiot. The whole way home I was so excited to crack open that bottle of wine and have a drink, or two, or three. Then I started thinking...isn't that what alcoholics do?
Shit!
So I didn't even open that fucking bottle of wine. Can you be an alcoholic if you don't drink often, but have the thoughts I have shared? I don't drink too often (I average a drink or two every couple of weeks, unless I am on vacation in which case I will probably have a drink each night at dinner), but I don't know,this is getting interesting.
In other news...
I found out from my coworker that I am prego! Southern Belle (a dear friend at work) pulled me aside today and jokingly (but a little serious) said, "I thought we were friends." I smiled, wondering where she was going with her comment. Then she told me she was talking to someone else about a busy monkey in my room. They were both feeling sorry for me (because I chase her around all fucking day). That is when Innocent Gossiper (I really do like the person Belle was talking to and I think she thought my "pregnancy" was public knowledge.) said, "And she's pregnant too, she must be so tired." OMG, Southern Belle thought. Why does Innocent Gossiper know that and I don't? She told me she figured it had to be untrue because she knows my view on being prego right now--PUKE. I promised her it was untrue and told her to quickly spread the new rumor. In return, she promised me that I don't look prego--that, of course, was my next worry.
Maybe I'll do some crunches before bed tonight.

Alpha Female

2006-12-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

Is that how Hubby would describe me? Is that a bad thing? I have been thinking about the kid thing a lot lately, but not in the conventional way (of course). Instead it is more like, "Oh I want a puppy really bad." I don't really fear that. I have never gone from I want a puppy to I want a kid. I've done the prego thing and all I felt was panic...great, horrible, deep panic. I don't ever want to feel quite like that again, not next time. Hubby sometimes indicates he will not be interested. So I start life planning with the other important man in my life, Tildar. When will the right time be? Will we be able to live near one another? What will this adventure be like? It is all about timing isn't it. How exactly will that work?
Alpha female
At work I am an alpha. I like being a leader (not the boss). I like trying new things and then politely insisting everyone else learn from it...is that so bad?

No donuts today, but...

2006-12-01T19:54:00.000-08:00

...I stopped THERE again. I bought a pastry today. Where has all my self control gone? I started eating it at lunch and I couldn't stand myself anymore. I threw it out, brushed my teeth, and ate my apple. After work Beadwhore (do you hate that nickname...because I love it and I want to protect your identity)and I went out for dinner and a drink. I got home and felt fat and depressed (crappy day again). So I went for a jog on my street and guess what I saw. I was quite amazed. A dude down the street in his house totally thought he was alone. He was trotting around his house nude. Yes I saw a perky little peter and I wasn't even trying to snoop. HELLO, he lives in suburban hell and he didn't even close his blinds. I never even saw that in Sin City! I think I will get a little more serious about jogging. The scenery is great!

As I was driving home today I laughed when I noticed another left over lunch in my car. This one was from yesterday and I promise I took it to my kitchen and cleaned it out.
I was reminded of what happened a few weeks ago when Hubby drove my car (yes I allow him to drive my awesome new car sometimes). After getting in and out of it a few times he ACTUALLY dared to ask me if I farted in it the last time I was there. WHAT A GROSS PIG...TO ACTUALLY SAY THAT! Of course I replied no, but honestly it did smell pretty rank in there. He insisted that I must of left an old lunch in there or I farted. Well I didn't want him to tell anybody I make a habit of farting in my car so I started searching. DAMN IT! He knows me well. I found an old lunch (that was wonderful the day I ate it)under my junk in the back seat. It was so gross that I actually just threw it all out! It is scary how well D.I.N.K.s get to know each other over the years.

I am so disgusting!

2006-11-29T17:27:00.000-08:00

Jesus Christ! On my way to work today, I was passing a Harris Teeter with it's big Starbucks sign and I had to stop. Only here's the creepy part. I wasn't stopping for Starbucks and no I don't need Tampons (ever again...thanks DivaCup). Oh no, I had a craving for a fucking donut. Shit! So I got my fat ass out of my car and I waddled into the store (I am preparing for what will come if I make a trip to the bakery everyday). I moved straight for the bakery and became so excited. Is this what shopping addicts experience? I chose a donut with Christmas sprinkles all over it and I was preparing to grab it when I saw the light. OMG, for a dollar more I could get a whole bag of mini Krispy Kreme donuts! Well, I quickly grabbed my bag of minis and left the store (I bought these donuts with change from my piggy bank.)
Here comes the gross part. I ate 2 on the way to work, 2 when I got to work, and 2 on my way home from work! YUM!
AND
I didn't walk or run tonight. I think I can actually feel padding being added to my ass. Do you think I need an intervention? Just think a few years ago I wouldn't have even finished one fucking donut. Look what stress and depression can do for you.
I am going to go brush and floss my teeth 10 times now, well actually I think I will throw up first!
Sleep well.

Walk This Way

2006-11-19T18:14:00.000-08:00

I think I need a new pair of shoes.
Hmmm, now I just need to figure out what I want.
I am thinking pointy toes, I want to make Clinton proud!
I am thinking sexy, high, and flashy, but not trashy.
Pretty shoes make me feel confident. Lately, I have been in a weird funk. I have questioned EVERYTHING that appears to be right in my life and everything that doesn't. I am reassessing all of my crap! I think I have finally figured out what I want and what I know I don't want! The baggage is getting trashed! I am not going to have any regrets.
Perhaps I need pretty, pink, flashy, sexy shoes. If only I could go to Nordstrom after work tomorrow! Everything suddenly seems perfect!

Revelations

2006-11-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

OMG. Tomorrow is really Monday! I can't wait. I mean, I can't fucking wait. I get to get up way too early, get dressed, pack a lunch, and drive for half an hour to work. When I get there, I will be bombarded by rudeness, ugly people, and plenty of poorly dressed nit-wits. Then I can top it off by attempting to find a copy machine that actually works! Imagine that! I can't fucking wait. It is just too exciting. I can't sit still. Maybe a vibrator would calm me down. Hmm...Oh and I have a meeting after school too. That means I get to stay an extra hour and a half. Wow! I am too fucking nice to these people. Don't you want my life? I mean really...it is that great. I am feeling overjoyed at the moment. I want to scream from the rooftops HAPPY MONDAY TO ALL MY BITCHES, I MEAN MY PEEPS!
Is there a question you would like to ask me? The answer is no I am not drinking before work or at lunch and no I am not taking Prozac (Does anyone have some freebies? I wouldn't mind taking a few here and there.). This is simply the new me. Nothing will stand in my way. I am going to make 50 cents an hour, be verbally abused by someone, and STILL I will be happy. I will smile. I will love life because at the end of the day...work doesn't matter. My family matters. My friends matter. My health matters. Fuck the rest of it!

*In regard to my previous post, let me be clear. I will wear the top half of the outfit if my nether region is properly waxed. I have been really lazy for like a year now, except during swimsuit season, but that has passed. However, if it isn't groomed in the shape of a pumpkin (for the season of course), then I will wear the bottom half instead. I am REALLY flexible!
Can you hear me Bitches?
HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY!

Truely Southern

2006-11-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday night I went to my clogging class. It is so fun and hard! One of my monkeys and I practice my moves during recess. I feel so southern when I do that dance. I imagine myself in the hills of NC with some goofy outfit on (that should only be used for role playing), dancing up a storm to hillbilly music. Anyone want to come see me dance?

I am exhausted...

2006-11-05T07:16:00.000-08:00

...and shocked. I had the argument of my life last night, or so it seemed. It is funny how two people can seem to be whole and yet be so far away. How is it two people can agree on so much, but at the same time not agree on what feels like a really important one? I'm not complaining, just trying to sort out what I think. I feel like someone threw a curve ball and now I have to hit it. It isn't so bad. It is a bit of a relief actually and at the same time it makes me really frustrated. I understand that life isn't supposed to be easy, but can't I get a break here or there? So what is my next move? I have always been a planner. He isn't. I plan all the time. He doesn't want to. It isn't fair. He has never planned and could quite possible be happier then me (at work, I mean). How fair is that? All I did was plan and work my ass off at school and guess what...I hate my job. I HATE my job. So quit, right...then what. What is wrong with me that I can't figure out my next move?
Maybe I should start drinking.:)

Dirty Thoughts...

2006-10-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

BEWARE...don't read if you might be uncomforable.

SO...
at work today Nice Neighbor tells me her back is killing her. I immediately thought of Pod Neighbors. If they said a thing like that I would have said OMG was it that good last night? Did you get any sleep? Please tell me none of your kids heard you!
But I don't know Nice Neighbor too well yet (several months now). So instead I played it safe.
Oh no, were you doing yard work? Were you at the gym? What happened? Do you need drugs...because I have got plenty of those! (Of course it was only fair to run through the list of drugs I got from my that adorable oral surgeon this summer.)
No,
she said.

Can you believe that? She passed up FREE HEAVY DUTY drugs. WTF!

Apparently she was lifting something and hurt her back badly.

That got me thinking...remembering...and giggling all the way back to my room. I couldn't help but miss Pod Neighbors at that moment. We would have exchanged crazy sex stories and then went back to work.

Oh shit!

2006-10-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

They all prayed.
What the hell was I supposed to do? I don't really mind that they did it, but it caught me off guard...and I had to sit and wait for my misery to be over.

Thankfully it only lasted for a moment.:)

All Sinners Welcome!

2006-10-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

I saw that on a church sign a few months ago when I was driving to the coast with Hubby and Sofakitty. Honest, I ain't lying! I don't think they could take the heat if we actually stopped and went in. BeadWhore...I am concealing her identity... said a great line about a week ago that helped me see the light. I now know exactly how I feel about certain people trying to harm my monkeys.

Don't touch my fucking cards!

I have had it with the lack of management around me...just when I thought I wasn't really much of a rule follower...I realize I am-damn! These damn people get mad at my monkeys and tell them to pull cards in my room. As if! Deal with them in another way...get organized,but don't touch my fucking cards! I am totally annoyed and my monkeys must be astounded when I tell them to go back to green after others are mean!

In other news...
Has anyone been watching that Ugly Betty show? I saw part of it once...which was enough for me to add a name to my list.
No, not that list.

The other one,
the one that involves THE DRAWER.
Her boss on that show is totally adorable and well, someone has to say it...fuckable. Wow! That is about all I can say! I usually watch The Office, but I might have to switch. What's a girl to do? If Michael Vartan would pop up or Will Tippen would pop up I would be totally happy!

How far...

2006-10-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

...am I willing to go.
I had this thing happen in my life a few weeks ago that seems to happen every few years. It occurs when I least expect it and it always forces me to mark another tally mark in the "dissapointment" column. I chatted with Dear Friend this evening for quite a while about the issue. He got me thinking. How far am I willing to run for Dissapointment? I haven't allowed Dissapointment inside my soul in years. It hurts too much. When I invest love and care, Dissapointment pushes me away. When I express interest, he makes fun. When I try to help...he fucks up BADLY. I don't think he wants me to let him in or anybody else for that matter. I have been coping with my tally marks for years, about 15 years to be exact.
The latest consequence...I knew it was coming,
sooner or later...is bad.
Now that it has arrived I am greeting it with a "told-you-so look." It is for the best...for Dissapointment, for me, for The Others. I can only imagine what this will do to The Others. I hope they can move on and let go...It's not their fault (they just don't know that). They too are sucked into Dissapointment's world. I have been lucky enough to remove myself as much as possible. So now I get to play the waiting game. Wait and see how bad the damage is. How well will The Others weather the storm? Hope for the best...be there for The Others...as much as possible. The truth is, my thoughts have turned so dark about Dissapointment in the past several years that I don't think I can really be there. It is one part of my life where I pass a great deal of judgement,REAL judgement. I harbor evil thoughts that I feel guilty about, but only sometimes...like tonight.

I Am Worth Something...

2006-09-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

...to a monkey.
I have so much crap to do and I was getting ready to cry about the workload and then I came across a note from a monkey tonight. I am such a sap (as I sit here with watery eyes).
Dear SpyC Teacher,
I am loving the way you teach. You are not mean like some of my previous teachers. I know I can be difficult, but you make me want to act better. I care about you like you are in my family! Have a great day!
Love,
Monkey

*OMG, that is one of the best compliments of my whole career!

Take advice from a teacher, bloggy friends...you are amazing in the eyes of many (even when you don't feel like it).
Happy Tuesday!

Small Town, Small Minded?

2006-09-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

Let me introduce you to Small town. This person drives me FUCKING mad! So a few days ago, Small Town and I had to work together for hours...great! Intelligent walks into our setting to teach us something new. Intelligent is just that, very intelligent, but according to Small Town Intelligent is really manly, possibly a man. So instead of listening to Intelligent Small Town insists on making fun and being rude.
Why are people so stupid?
First of all, in a work environment it probably isn't real smart to announce these opinions to new coworkers. Secondly, if you are ignorant keep it to yourself I didn't want another reason to put you on my Black List.
I told Small Town my opinion...WHO CARES! Small Town left my room and hasn't chatted with me since.
Oh well.

A Clean House

2006-09-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

God, I hate housework. I mean I really hate it. It eats at me on the way to work, on the way home from work, when I walk in and see the mess I didn't clean up last night. Perhaps I need to get a maid. Hmm...I will work on working that into the budget. I think I am willing to give up some alcohol intake and dinners out just to have a maid.
Tomorrow, I have to do housework. Not the kind where I wear a French maid costume and high heels...the kind where I actually put on grunge clothes and WORK!

On another note, I was grocery shopping and saw a lady probably in her 40s. She was wearing shorts that didn't even cover her ass and she was shopping with her children. You shouldn't be aloud to wear clothing like that after you are like...16 years old and even then I don't think it is smart!
Happy Sunday!

The Routine

2006-09-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

Okay let me tell you about my commute to work. It sucks! All these smarties who drive to work every morning are actually very...slow! OMG, hit the gas people, 10 miles under the speed limit on a freeway is NOT OKAY and trust me I don't really drive that fast! This afternoon on my commute home I had an interesting experience. I was sitting at a stoplight rocking out to JT's Sexy Back--I LOVE THAT SONG--and now I think Justin Timberlake is sort of cute. Anyway, this guy pulls up behind me in a really HOT convertible. Oh and by the way this guy was hot. So everyone started paying attention to Attention Whore on our drive. At the next light, I snuck a peek at him in the rear-view mirror and OMG...HE PICKED HIS PIMPLES...in front of all of us! GROSS.

The SpyC News

2006-09-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

Welcome all you Sinners!
This is the SpyC News Show. I will be taking clothes off one article at a time to ensure that I keep your attention. I have very important news to offer you!

First (shoes off), I passed a sign on a church last week that actually said "Sinners Welcome." Can you imagine?
Next (pants off), everywhere I go I see someone pray before they eat their food. I can count on one hand how many times I saw that in Vegas.
Last (what the hell, I'll take it all off), I have never been called Ma'am so many times in my life!

My day was interesting today. I was excited to go to a workshop for a program I am teaching at my school. Then I got to the workshop and it sucked. It didn't really help me. After the workshop, I talked with one of the presenters for a little bit and that is the part that helped me. Too bad I had to wait until 3:00 to get some of my questions answered. I think I should have acquired some happy pills for the day. I spent it being puzzled. I also thought that some of the math they explained might be wrong. So I am asking the few of you that respond on this sight and those of you that might be lurking...yes I hear about you...a few questions. Let's see how smart all of you are.

1.Consider a bar graph that represents perimeter and length of 1 inch tiles. Is it possible for a 1 inch square tile to have a width of 1 in., a length of 0, and the perimeter be 2 in.? I think not, would someone please tell me I'm right...I hate being wrong.
2.Is it true that mode, mean, median, range, etc. are all types of averages. I am thinking it is not, but I might be wrong.

Come on...educate me!

Hard Core

2006-09-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

Are you sitting down?
I mean it...are you sitting down?
Yes, everyone, I know you have all been waiting for me to inform you that
I have finally found God.
Right?
The South continues to amaze me.
While reading the paper today I noticed an article on a new craze here.
Hold your breath and imagine the following scenerio.

*Betty is sometimes insecure. She has a great job and is very intelligent. She's 29 years old and happily married with 2 fur babies, but no kids. No kids you say...hmmm. Perhaps you should point Betty in the right direction. You have noticed that she has a potty mouth, likes Hillary Clinton, and doesn't wear her wedding ring. All of these things indicate that she must need God, right? Now it is your turn to ease her into the Christian world. What better way to start then to introduce her to GOSPEL AEROBICS!
Yes,
all my bloggy friends,
these Southerners are
HARD CORE
about religion.
*Can you honestly imagine praying while you sweat in places you didn't know you could and pant to Physical by Olivia Newton John?*
Puke!
Poor Betty! She should jump before it's too late! I decided those who created gospel aerobics must be targeting the Bettys in this world. Stand tall, Betty and say fuck gospel aerobics. Besides your back might hurt after all that kneeling.

Dirty thought disclaimer!
If you are going to get on your knees do it for something fun and interesting, not that praying shit! It is such a waste of time!

On another note, my peeps at work pissed me off again. At lunch yesterday I was eating with several teachers (who are probably nice, but I am feeling exceptionally judgemental tonight so bear with me while I make fun). We were talking about what we did for the 3 day weekend. Everyone looked at me...so I shared my lovely weekend at the beach. I mentioned that I went with Sofakitty and Hubby. Hubby?...Jeans said. (I call her jeans because that is all she wears to work. Nice shirt, sneakers, and blue jeans, pink jeans, green jeans, red jeans, you get the point jeans.) "I thought you were single because you aren't wearing a wedding ring," Jeans said. (Now imagine that with lip curled and nasty tone of voice.)

I thought REAL HARD about what to say.

"Well if you really want to know...bitch...I am too fat to get the fucking ring on...bitch! Bitch! Yeah, Bitch! OH BY THE WAY HUBBY AND I FUCKED ON THE BEACH ALL DAY, WELL NOT REALLY, BUT HUBBY WAS SKINNY DIPPING WITH CHILDREN AROUND, BITCH!"

Okay,
so I didn't really say that, but I wanted to. Instead I did a fake laugh and purposely switched the conversation for about 30 seconds and then went back to my room to eat lunch. I don't know that I will eat in the Christian lounge again! Bitch!

PS: Jeans is now on my black list! Any peeps on the black list go to places where there are no chocolates, donuts, massages, and FAT TABS when they die! Oh and their hoochies shrivel up because they get none! All peeps on the black list can be called fat, ugly, and whore at any given time!
BITCH!

Pretzel up

2006-09-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

That's what I said to one of my monkeys today. She was being lazy and disregarding everything I said. I couldn't take it anymore. Last night I stayed up late to watch the season premiere of Nip/Tuck. OMG...I was loving the opening scenes until I remembered that I don't have blinds on my windows. My neighbors probably thought I was watching porn! Shit. I just moved in...well at least they know that I am not a good Christian now.
Anyway, I went to bed at 11pm last night and nearly died when the damn alarm went off this morning. Hence I had no sympathy for my monkey who was being lazy.

I should get sleep more often. It causes me to be stupid. For example, in our grade level meeting today I got really grouchy...and I had an audience.What the hell was I thinking? I don't even know these people and I was rude. These people can be so stupid though...I couldn't help but get frustrated. We don't need to talk in circles!

Dear Diary,

2006-09-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

Oh...there is so much to tell you. Where do I begin? Let me start with my latest decision to move to the South. It is different here to say the least. I wasn't sure how much I would like it. However, I love my house and the woods around my house. I also like my zippy new car. There are a few kinks though. To be exact let me start with my job...
May I welcome you to the Dark Ages! Holy mother of God. I feel that I have been transported back in time to the year 1950. The people in this building are interesting. They are teaching with reading basals-solely and worksheeting the hell out of these kids. The scary part is that these kids are pretty smart, but their test scores would not indicate this. My classroom is huge, but that appears to be the only plus so far. Although there are grassy hills outside my classroom I can't help but be annoyed that they have not worked out my pay correctly and I brought home a crappy check. They were "sorry" that my master's degree was not in my pay yet. They were going to look into that...we will see. I swear to something that I will walk if they cheat me.
I monkey I recently met likes to show her underwear and eat snap cubes during math. Maybe I will need to drink more often this year. I think I should consider a career change...only not really. I am fucking pissed that I have a master's degree and brought home a check that will cover my mortage and car payment and that is fucking it! What bullshit.Perhaps my new mantra in the morning should be "me love you long time" Do I need to practice saying these lovely words?

Party Anyone?

2006-06-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with this nation? Flag burning? Gay marriage? WHO CARES? Our nation is at war and all we care about is whether or not people should be allowed to burn flags. Does it actually hurt you physically if someone burns a flag? I am glad it didn't pass. If it had I was thinking about a flag burning party in my back yard this weekend. Perhaps we would listen to Dixie Chicks while eating hot dogs and roasting marshmellows.
And how about that Star Jones. I watched her interview this evening with Larry King. It was interesting to say the least. I look forward to seeing Rosie and Elisabeth duke it out on tv this fall (and I don't even watch The View).

Nevada is a great place to...

2006-06-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

...FUCK,
outside.
It is unlikely you will get bug bites and there is great weather here year-round.
I found this info on the Net from Respectable Source and I couldn't help but giggle. I had never quite thought of this great state in such a way. Respectable Source always fills me in.:)

Now all I can think about is taking Hubby on an adventure in the park across the street or on some red rocks before we move across the country. There are bugs where we are going, lots of them. That is too bad, especially now that I am armed with some new info, thus creating some new fantasies. Thanks a lot Respectable Source!

Hmmm...I am a little rusty at the moment and fantasizing often as I have had "medical issues" in the last month. Doc says no to any action "down there" for at least another week. Holy crap this is getting ruff! I can't even open The Drawer.

Ha, The Drawer! A few years ago, my girlfriends and I had a PartyGals party for a friend before she got married. We stocked her drawer quite well with many things that required lots of batteries and attachments too. A few months after the wedding we asked her if she was getting use out of The Drawer. Thankfully she had put our money to good use and was enjoying it, so was her partner. In fact she was enjoying it so much that she ran out of room and required Two Drawers! Bitch!

Well my friend I will call Suburban Mom and I got jealous, real jealous. So about a year ago, Suburban Mom and I went to another PartyGals party and added to our own Drawers. We decided it was important to explore this part of being a woman. We promised each other that The Drawer would not become some sort of addiction and cause us problems with our Hubbys', our jobs, or other responsibilities. We made this promise because we both remembered what happened to Charlotte on Sex and the City. Do you remember that? The girls had to do an intervention. Charlotte wasn't going out. She was staying home with The Rabbit. It met all her needs.:)

Anyway, I am out of commission for at least another week. Sexually frustrated? Absolutely! I am happily waiting for an opportunity to present itself. Hubby will be home often in July...GOOD and when he is not...I always have The Drawer!

Naming the Baby

2006-06-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with all those people in this world who say they support you, but really don't? I am not talking to all you bloggy friends. You don't have to call and leave offensive messages on my machine, although that would make my days more interesting.

I am talking about these people that say things to my friend we will call Surprised Mama. Today I finally got in touch with Surprised Mama. We have been emailing and leaving messages for each other for a few weeks. I called to invite her to lunch. We are both on vacation from the Little Monkeys and loving it.

Prego, that is what she told me after about 20 words into our conversation. Prego and SURPRISED! She found out several months ago and is about 5 months along. I read between the lines and quickly said...is this a good thing? Do you want me to say congratulations? Surprised Mama was well, really surprised, stressed, frustrated, and also amazed. Prego? How could that be? She had been told it would be very difficult for her to conceive when she finally decides to do so (which she was thinking would be a few years down the road).

So now what?

She's in a great relationship with a great guy, but not married. Now this doesn't matter to her and it shouldn't matter to anyone else, but there is this stigma. What the fuck is that all about? Do you really have to be married to have a baby together? Why does it matter to others? They seem happy. They don't seem to need a marriage license to prove that they will care for their baby together.

She told me she was surprised as hell and quickly thought about an abortion. In fact, she was sure she wanted one,but that conversation she had with her doctor about problems conceiving kept creeping up. She changed her mind.

I feel her stress, her frustration. Those wonder questions begin to pop up for me too. I find myself asking, no fantasizing, about what if? What if I changed my mind? How would my life be different? Then I really think about it and can't imagine it. All I can think about is throwing up, spit up, and depression!

This is when I realize each of us has a very different decision to make. It is about what I want, not what others want for me or others think is best.

So let's move on to naming the baby. Surprised Mama is a rebel like me and has always said that she will keep her maiden name (like me) when she marries. So she decided that she would give her baby boy her name and her boyfriend's name. I can't help but be jealous they both have nice, normal names. I would love to give my baby (if I ever have one) my name and Hubby's name, but we have names that are wacky! I can only imagine our child would be tormented about hickeys and penises!

So now what?

Well, I wonder about giving one child my name and giving the next one Hubby's name. Then it is fair. We both get to pass our names on, but that also seems way too complicated--although I have seen it done. Hmmm...what if I had a third? Yes, too complicated. (Oh ouch, can you imagine birthing 3 babies, or even 1 for that matter.)

A Nice Surprise

2006-06-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I was painting our bedroom when the phone rang. Talk about feeling saved! It was my oldest friend, I will call her Kinder Buddy because that is where we met, kindergarten. She is in town! Her husband is at a conference so she came along for fun. We met at Maggiano's for lunch and then shopped all afternoon. It was so much fun! We chattered about our memories of our childhood. We were in Girl Scouts together (her mom was our troop leader) and we spent time together often. We chatted about slumber parties, kindergarten, our families, etc. I couldn't help but wish for a moment that I never left Texas. That was such a SHITTY move. I remember thinking about all my great friends in Texas and wishing I could be with them each day I went to junior high. I think I masked it well. I "moved on" because that was the only choice, but I can't help but miss that great place in Texas. Kinder Buddy and I had a great time horsebackriding and watching movies all night.

She lives in Lubbock, Texas. Can you imagine? We giggled about my decision to move to NC and her excitement about leaving Texas ASAP...even though she just bought a great house with a kitchen that would make Hubby cum! Ha!
Happy Monday!

Book of Matches

2006-06-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in an uncomfortable chair people watching at the mall. I've always wondered are the chairs so awful so that I will shop more and sit less. No such luck today, the dental bills are payed, the vet bill is coming, and the big scary bill will be here soon enough. Keep telling yourself those four awful words, no money to spend. I went to the mall to buy a birthday present for a friend. As the cashier handed me my change I noticed a note and a long stare that came with it. Is this the twilight zone? Scribbled on the note in tiny handwriting I read, You've been outed.
So that's how I got to this awful chair. I stumbled out of the store with my package and sat. My knees still feel weak, the rest of me is numb. What do I do now? What went wrong? Who betrayed me? I only told those closest to me. It didn't seem like such a huge deal at the time, but suddenly it seems horrible. I've been stabbed in the back. I don't understand.
Trust no one.

This House of Mine

2006-06-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

As I walk into this house I feel a quietness. The people here like animals. They are bold with color. The lady of the house likes elegance, but that isn't obvious to the typical guest. This lady is not your average gal. There are only a few pictures seated comfortably on shelves, but they were probably carefully choosen. I see love, care, and commitment when I look at the pictures. These people are fairly neat and tidy. Everything seems to have a place and I don't see many piles of stuff. I wonder if one of them is a neat freak and the other one a mess? These people enjoy feeling connected to the world. At least I think that is why they have three computers. I see a large kitchen table that seats six, but I bet they eat in front of the t.v. not because they have nothing to say, but because they are that comfortable with one another. I wonder where their cats sleep? There is a shiny red pillow on the stairs that is nicer than anything I have ever slept on. Do the cats argue over it? Maybe they sleep in their parents' king size bed. Perhaps they snuggle in close and purr loudly. Perhaps they don't. I don't think these people spend much time in their yard because it doesn't exist. They probably go to the park you can see across the street. Do they play croquet on their days off? Do they sleep late or are they early risers? The furniture is not worn so one doesn't really have a sense of the past. I don't think they have company often, but when they do they live it up. This cozy place is mainly for the pair that live here with their animals. It is the place they call home.

My Inner and Outer Selves

2006-06-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

My inner self, the part I show only to my other half is feeling eaten up by a plethora emotions, fantasies, memories good and bad, wishes, and thoughts. These feelings that hover and hang over me this evening are keeping me low. Really low. Don't worry, they aren't feelings that will last long. Thankfully. Just long enough to frustrate the fuck out of me for a few days. My latest findings have made me realize that I am stronger than I thought, so is Hubby. It is nice to confirm that we are united and forever supportive of one another as we walk through this life together. I sort of feel numb and can't wait for the cleansing feeling I am sure is just around the corner. Relief will be mine soon. I will reach out and grab it with an iron grip and never let it go. I won't let this thing continue to eat at my edges and consume anymore of my soul. I am going to release this thing very soon and then I am going to move forward and let go of the feelings of frustration, anger, guilt, and stress. There is too much to live for.

My outer self, the part I present to the rest of the world seems to be passing off my lie with some ease. True, a few can guess that I am not whole, but it is no big deal either way. The feelings I feel are mine and aren't necessarily meant to be shared with anyone other than Hubby. Tomorrow I plan to get up, do chores, call friends, and work on work projects. The day is like every other. Thankfully, I have learned to unleash my inner self at very specific times. My outer self can't function if my inner self is too distracted.

Feeling renewed.
Feeling whole again.
Feeling happiness.

These are the feelings I hope to reclaim for my inner self very soon because I know I am worth it.

9:15 AM, Thursday. I have made an appointment with myself. This will be my moment to start again, fresh, clean, and renewed.

PS: My teeth are healing nicely and I have been itching to write. If I could just keep this promise to myself then I'll be here, writing, often.

You know you are Republican when...

2006-06-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

...you are counting how many patients pay a co-pay and how many are billing Medicaid. Bastards! Today, I sat at my gynecologist's office completely annoyed and uncomfortable. Why you ask? Well, true I and the girl next to me were the only white people in the place. I know that it shouldn't bother me. I feel pretty well educated on muti-cultural issues, but I learned today even I have limitations.

It all started when I walked in the door. After signing in I was told to sit. The problem was there were no chairs available. Instead, I saw 40 or 50 Hispanic women, mostly prego with at least one toddler at their feet. (This wasn't really a problem. However, it was a bit ackward as they were staring--or maybe I as the minority felt that they were staring--at the only white girl in the place.) I suddenly wished I didn't have my Coach purse on my arm, my nice clothes, and the book The End of Faith in my hand. I felt really out of place. I was directed behind "the door" and told to wait in chair that was 5 feet from what would later be my exam room. FUCKING WEIRD.

I should probably back up and tell you my gyn. that I really like is no longer on my insurance so I made an appointment with a totally random doc in a really old and seedy part of town, known as "The Hood."

Anyway, after getting comfortable my name was called. The receptionist handed me paperwork and asked for my driver's license. Then she paused and looked at me. Do you have insurance? WTF--of course I do. Well, that must be unsual in this office by the look I got from the receptionist and waiting patients. I sat down to complete my paperwork and realized all my paperwork was in Spanish. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I traded it for English paperwork. An hour and a half later I was called in to see the doc. Do you have insurance? This question was asked a few more times as it determines what kind of care I will receive. FRUSTRATING. At the end of my visit I paid my co-pay, but I was a little annoyed about the whole thing. Driving home I was counting how many women paid co-pays and how many billed Medicaid and I realized how pissed off I was. All those evil feelings of racism that I thought didn't exist I now realize, do. Here's the thing, I think it is part of human nature to possess these feelings. We seem to all have limitations at some point depending on how far we have been pushed. I guess I discovered a little more about my breaking point.

Empty Nesting

2006-05-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today when I got out of bed I noticed that the house was overly quiet. The only noise I heard were a cat snoring, and the annoying hum of the air conditioner. For the past several months, I have always had company that I have grown accustomed to. Although I haven't minded it one bit, it is kind of nice to be all alone today. I am reminded of how solitary I can be at times. Sofakitty left for NC as a full graduate ready to enter the teaching field. (We are all so proud of her.) The Frenchman and Scientist went back to Reno with a van full of new belongings. I am spending the day cleaning my suddenly very messy house and finishing my class that I am writing. Doesn't that sound truly boring. Oh and my toothache is ever present and persistant. I can't wait to get all 4 pulled on Friday.:)

I pray and I vote...

2006-05-23T06:56:00.001-07:00

Oh shit,
that’s really scary!

Perhaps,
I should run her off the road,
feed her children to geese,
or something even more clever,
that I will plot later.

It is definetly the south.
There are plenty of churches, fundamentalists, and people who pray.
What the hell am I thinking?
I might actually have to breed and go to church to have friends here.
No,
Never,
Ever.

In other news, I had three interviews today which all went fantabulous. I was very excited and feeling arrogant and vain. My hard work has paid off and these schools are all fighting for me. I think I have made my choice though and I am eager to call tomorrow to accept the position. By the way, the classroom in my soon to be new school is absolutely awesome. 1. It is HUGE.
2. It has a whole wall of cabinets.
3. It has wonderful windows that actually open. The natural light is great.
4. There is great furniture. (I know you are thinking Who gives a shit, but that is important.)
5. Outside the windows are rolling, grassy hills and student maintained gardens. Yippee. I am so embarrassed about my recent interest in gardening, but Mum and Aunties would be so proud.

THE PRINCIPAL SEEMS TO BE GREAT AS WELL!

We also looked at a great new construction KB home today with our realtor. I liked it a lot, but QQ pointed out that it has a drawback...electricity is an upgrade, the roof is an upgrade, and so on. We also found these great bungalows that seem to be fully upgraded, but I think they may be just out of our price range...DEPRESSING AS FUCK!

Although, QQ did mention he would sell a kidney to get into one.
Hmmm....I might have to consider that.

Now for some sad news...

My dad called us this afternoon to tell us that my grandpa died this morning. He was working outsiide and he didn’t feel well. He sat down to take a break, fell over, and passed away. My feelings are quite strange about the whole thing. I don’t really feel deep sadness like one would think. He lived an amazing life. He saw all his chidlren grow up and most of his grandkids grow up (I am the 2nd oldest and the youngest is a teenager).Grandpa went dancing often and was always building something on his 400+ acres. QQ started visiting Wisconsin with me about 5 years ago and always enjoyed “Wayne.” He enjoyed taking us on tractor rides, pontoon boat rides, and for slow Sunday drives in his 1940 Chev. Grandpa was in his 80s and had a good quality of life. Yet, I find myself saying that dying is also a natural progression for us. It doesn’t really seem depressing. He didn’t feel any pain, he had no fear, and it happened quick. I think I secretly hope that is how it happens for me one day.
Death is such a funny thing. I have spent a lot of time thinking about it lately because my grammy in Vegas is ready and we talk about it often. She has pointed out to me that she is 87 years old. She never imagined living to be 87. She misses Aunt Patty terribly, her dog passed away suddenly a few days ago, her husband and many friends are gone, her body keeps her in constant pain, and she lives with her very annoying sister. I can’t even imagine. The selfish part of me spoke up a few weeks ago and told her that I wasn’t ready for her to go. I want her stay longer. She hugged me and pointed out that I don’t need her. She thinks we will all be fine. She’s ready. Can you imagine getting to that place in your life? It’s so strange to think about.

Anyway, stop the sadness. Happy Tuesday to all who are reading!

*BTW, Mitwife, a D.C. trip sounds like so much fun. We will start planning when I unload my fucking house, very soon of course.:)

WOW

2006-05-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

So, when I left for NC on Thursday evening I had no idea what I was going to find at the job fair. I did very well. I had 4 interviews and an offer of employment. I am going to do 3 school visits tomorrow and before I leave Raleigh I will make a decision about which school I want to work at. I am so excited!!! I am also totally nervous for some more interviews. It gets very overwhelming!
In other news, I did something a few nights ago that I have wanted to do for years, but I have been way to chicken to do. I plucked those gross pesky littles hairs that grow around my nipples. Do other women have those too? OMG, it did not feel good, but Hubby and I agree my boobies are hot, and BIGGER! I look like I got implants, only I didn't!
In the afternoon tomorrow we are also going to look at houses with our realtor. I am eager to check them out. Kevin and I found some beautiful homes that we drooled over and took many pictures of. They are pricey, but we have worked that out...Kevin is going to sell his left kidney so we can buy one! A small price to pay I think! :) Now all I have to do is unload our fucking house in Vegas! Just one minor detail!

an experience

2006-05-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment. I stressed myself silly trying to make it there on time and was still about 15 minutes late. Well, it didn't really matter in the end because when I walked in there were at least 40 people waiting to be seen or whatever. I think I have only had that kind of experience at QuickCare. Anyway, the receptionist told me the wait was long, really long. Fuck that, I made another appointment and left.
Who cares about all of that I would much rather discuss my minority feeling. As I walked in i realized I was the only white girl in the place. Everyone was either speaking spanish or black. They all looked me up and down and up and down again. What a funny feeling? I kind of felt like a hack for a moment because I kept thinking my copay is $30 are you all here for free? Evil I know, but true.

I'm Weird...

2006-05-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah,
I already know that!
I don't need you to tell me that.

This morning I woke up at the God awful hour of 4 am to finish this class I am writing. At this point I am only motivated by MONEY.
Anyway,
it happened.

I smelled myself.

the scary part... I didn't mind it.

Usually I can't stand the smell of body odors. I much prefer sex with Hubby after a shower and I definetely avoid it if he smells like Airplane! (Honey, I'm closed for business.) Check back later.

So all two of you that read this...what body odors are too much for you?

I think

2006-05-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

...I'm in a funk. For the last few weeks I have been busy, but I don't really feel like I have accomplished a lot. The doctor appointments are endless, the schoolwork I don't do keeps piling up, and I nearly failed a final for a really easy class I am taking.
WTF
Oh and my boobs hurt. I mean it, they fucking hurt, all the time, lately. They have gotten bigger with my weight gain, but this is getting ridiculous. At first it was kinda cool. I am so vain. I stared in the mirror and thought yummy! They look great, but now I don't care. MAKE THEM STOP HURTING!

I read a very disturbing article this morning. I guess teachers really do work in the trenches every day!

Do you like my new look?

2006-04-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

I decided to do a complete make-over,
New Make-up,
New hair,
and a new body too.

Keep your pants on.

My Saturday

2006-04-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

So this morning I met Mum and Brother at the Bellagio Museum. Brother needed moral support while he braved an appearance at the museum for his art class. I didn't mind being his cheerleader. I am so proud to see him so grounded--FINALLY! Anyway, a few minutes after we entered we spread out to take a look at the famous Impressionists paintings (I was actually impressed and I have see great art in Paris!). After wandering around for about half an hour looking at art with a very large crowd, I spotted Hottie. Boy, was he cute AND checking me out. I let myself stare a little longer then I should have...on purpose.

*Disclaimer-I am happily married and I don't ever bring these guys home, but I enjoy flirting here and there.

So as I continued to wander around the museum I quickly realized he was suddenly noticing the same paintings I was. Okay not really, I think he was pretending to look at the artwork, but really trying to check out my bod. There we were...Saying nothing... because you could hear a pin drop, but I couldn't help it I started fantasizing.

Damn it...Hubby is not at at home ready and waiting-that sucks! I guess that is what THE DRAWER is for.

The rest of my day isn't near as interesting. I get to write lesson plans, drink, grade papers, drink, and do report card comments, drink.

Cheers!

Fucking Sunday

2006-04-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

Its Fucking Sunday and guess what...I don't have to fucking work tomorrow. How lovely is that? Spring Break is here and I am going to savor every fucking minute of it. Since today is Fucking Sunday that means that you have to get screwed today. If you don't, well then you will be unscrewed, or something. Whatever!
Get naked
and
busy
too!

Cheers!

Move Bitch, Get Out the Way Bitch

2006-04-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

Its hard to defend rap music today
according to Chris Rock.

The man has a point! I love listening to rap music. I mean it. I love to play it all the way to work and rock out from the moment that I turn the key to the moment that I remove it. I can think of several times that my little monkeys giggled and whispered, "Is she serious? Teachers don't listen to rap."

I have been contemplating getting an Ipod. Well actually, I have been comtemplating stealing my husbands and allowing him to replace it with a video Ipod. I think my morning commutes could get even more interesting!

How you know you aren't gay...in case you are wondering

2006-04-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

So the other day Dytz and I were chatting about sexual fantasies. I told him that at times I think about threesomes as I know this would make Hubby happy. I think I could get into it. Kissing a pretty girl wouldn't be so bad. Checking out her boobs, hell I could touch them that wouldn't be so bad. But I think I would choke as I moved south to her nether region. All I can think about is flossing my teeth. There is no way I want to eat pussy! Dytz agrees with my statement, hence we are quite sure he IS gay and I am NOT!

I Am Motivated!

2006-03-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

HEAR ME ROAR!
Today we had teacher meetings all day instead of getting to teach my little monkeys. I always remind myself that although I have to get up early and put on something other than jeans, this is a day off. The morning was the typical meetings that always remind me that if I can't sit still for more then 20 minutes without my mind wandering my little monkeys can't sit still either!

This afternoon we saw Ron Clark speak at The Orleans Arena. Wow. He was fab. So many things he said about teaching kids are completely true. The lesson of the day: Make them love you. Be everything they ever imagined in a teacher and they will succeed.
I knew all these things before he spoke--THANKFULLY, but I needed a reminder. I can't wait to see my little monkeys tomorrow. I suddenly miss them terribly!

I Am David

2006-03-27T06:09:00.000-08:00

Okay not really.
I am reading this fabulous book called I Am David by Ann Holm. It is such a great story and is reminding me that I want to visit Italy BADLY.

Its off to work I go!

Are You Sending the RIGHT Message?

2006-03-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

Perhaps you should be scared.
Perhaps you should be stressed.
Perhaps you should stand proud.

Are you sending the right message? I just finished reading the April issue of my favorite trashy girl magazine--NO IT AIN'T COSMO. Marie Claire did a story on the message you send to others through your shoes. So let's see how I rated.

Am I a blabbermouth? YES
Am I flexible? MOST OF THE TIME
Am I broke? NOT ANYMORE THANK GOD...OR SOMETHING
Am I a man-eater? NO, BUT I ALWAYS ASPIRED TO BE ONE...DOES THAT COUNT?
Am I ewww...I am not sharing that answer, well, not with you!

After careful consideration and a few moments of staring at the shoes in the mag and comparing them with my own I have come to a realization. I haven't the slightest idea what the hell I am saying with my shoes. Perhaps Marie Claire should have come up with a stupid multiple choice test for me to take. That might have made it easier!

Ponder This

2006-03-25T13:38:00.000-08:00

Eye Candy

2006-03-12T17:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I saw Failure To Launch. It was a cute romantic comedy. I think I probably missed some of the chemistry between Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Mcconaughey because I was busy imagining myself in bed with Will Tippen, I mean Bradley Cooper (and Matthew of course...and yes...at the exact same time). I suppose I would be busy! Yummy!
Will Tippin and Matthew were athletic and manly and oh so hot. Oh and also Sarah Jessica Parker was so fucking thin. I don't think I ever looked like that. My butt was definetly bigger in my "thin" days." I wonder if her boobs are fake? You can't be that thin and have her boobs. On second thought, maybe she still breastfeeds. She did have a baby a recently, didn't she?
I highly recommend checking out this movie because the eye candy is fabulous! Don't worry about the plot. It wasn't that distracting. There was plenty of time to check out the hot bods! It is well worth$9.50! It is too bad Michael Vartan wasn't in the movie. That would have made the experience perfect.

on/off switch

2006-03-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

I wish my mind had an on/off. Then you could switch the good feelings on and the bad feelings off. Do you ever have days that feel crappy for no particular reason? I suppose that could be PMS. This week when I walk down the hall at work I smile and hold my head up high. I feel good, actually I feel great. So why is this week any different then another? The truth is I should be really depressed this week...I had to come back to work after a three week break. However, I am feeling great. I am excited to see my little monkeys. They have got me laughing non-stop. I missed them more then I thought I would. I hope this great feeling lasts. It's euphoric!

Done Deals

2006-03-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

My bad hair day is a done deal
and
I think this whole moving thing is too.

We came out to NC this week to "make sure" this is what we want to do. The whole moving across the country thing is a bit crazy! Anyway, we looked at houses and we like what we see. We also like the area quite well. Now I just have to find a job! YIKES, I hope that isn't a tall order! Oh the other great thing about this place is that they have flea markets, farmers markets, and cultural events daily! I can't wait.

Flying By the Seat of my...

2006-02-27T15:25:00.000-08:00

...Pants, I hope!
Tonight Hubby and I are off for a week of fun. We are flying by the seat of our pants on this trip to THE SOUTH! Although we have made some tentative plans it is really one big adventure and we are willing to change almost all of them if needed. I can't wait to look at houses in this foreign land, check out the shopping, look at job prospects, and enjoy a change of scenery! Why you ask would we go to such a far away place?

Well
that is a
LONG
story.
We have this great friend although I secretly think she could be a sociopath, as she is a big leader in the JM.
She created a problem for us and now we have to disappear.
You know what that means don't you?
We are looking forward to our next stint
in the Witness Relocation Program.
You see,
we are THAT important
that we must be relocated.
To keep us safe of course.

hmm...I seem to be taking to lying with such ease!
I am sure I will write more from "the road" as I quite possibly will be bored or going through withdrawl!

A woman's right to choose

2006-02-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have been watching the news this morning for the first time in a week. So you can guess what I learned about...wtf is South Dakota thinking? The news about their new law banning abortion in nearly every instance is scary! Check out www.plannedparenthood.com for more info on the issue.

Can you spell it?

2006-02-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...r-e-l-i-e-f spells relief. What a beautiful word. It explains my current feeling. The last month has been a busy one to say the least. In fact, it has been busier than normal. I am so fucking stressed about making time for my normal workload, plus the added research I am doing for work (although I am getting paid-score),and getting this house ready to sell! Oh my God, I am going to be moving soon. It is suddenly overwhelming beyond belief and really exciting at the same time.

A day in my life...I found some MadLibs at school today and did them with some of my students. Boy did we giggle. You would be surprised at what third graders can come up with! One of them was themed, "A day in my life..."
So I started thinking, I bet there is some goofy bloggy formula that would generate some crazy day. Here it is:

The first thing I did when I woke up was picked my nose. Then I walked my cat when I was attacked by Allah (the Muslim God). Then I said 'Holy shit dude!' and my cat kicked his ass and now my cat is a horse. Rock on!

I'm back!
Do you like my new look?

AHHHH!

2006-02-06T22:25:00.000-08:00

Just think...in a week I will be on track break. I wish my life were less stressful at the moment.What a crazy week!

Fat Actress

2006-01-30T22:59:00.000-08:00

I'm going to get you, you red headed pussy!
Get back here, you motherfucker!
I have a record, I stole from Patti Duke--a jar of mayo!
Oh my fuckin lord!
Let's give money to people in Hollywood who don't have houses!
As God as my witness I will never be fat again!

WTF!!!

Okay so we watched our first three episodes of Fat Actress tonight and it is so fucking funny! The dialogue is so fun.

When I was under...something

2006-01-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

educat-means to draw out, not to fill up. Write about a time when you were under something.

*So I found these prompts online that I have decided to try out.
Times I have been under something...here goes:

How about under pressure or stress? I remember the time my cousin sat on me. I remember the time we drove to White Sands and my brother buried me under the sand. I was under that cold, heavy sand for quite some time. After he put a hat on my head and called me Jane he left. Of course I believed he was really going to get the camera. I guess I was truely naive. He didn't come back. Fucker! My mother finally heard my crying and uncovered me. Now you would think that since I was older I would have seen this coming, but no. How high was my IQ?

What else have I been under in this lifetime...hmmm...I am not going to answer that question and you probably shouldn't make any assumptions. Oh yeah, here's a thought that comes to mind.

Dytz this one is for you (it is a draft and very rough! BEWARE!)

Under his Sombrero

From under his sombrero he peered,
Among friends he stood,
Across the water he could see them,
Toward them he glared,
curious,
wondering,
Who were they,
he wondered.
He was the choosen one,
Into their space he walked
to welcome them.
Before he turned to go he reminded them of the customs of this place,
Amid the chaos he retreated
and
quietly returned to his group.

Check out my pussy!

2006-01-26T21:09:00.000-08:00

I mean pussies! Look at my babies!!! Aren't they beautiful?

Buried in work and tatoos

2006-01-25T20:12:00.000-08:00

Oh my God!
I have been at work all day catching up...
only I'm not caught up.
That fucking sucks,
ass.
I have ADD.
There,
I said it.
Hmmm...can I have the DRUGS,
now?

So today was a total gift from God,
or a blue bench.
(In college Dreamweaver and I "prayed" to the blue bench everyday on our way to chem class that we would pass.)
It worked.
I got a B+.

We had no kids today as it was parent/teacher/student conference day.
I love teaching,
except for the kids part.
Okay, that wasn't true, but a break is nice.:)
It was great fun to hang new bulletin boards,
reorganizing my shit,
moving furniture,
and time to eat my lunch!
Can you imagine?

It was so nice to have time to myself all day.
Shit!
Tomorrow is back to normal.
I knew it wouldn't last.

I've also been buried in a recurring thought this week...
I have been thinking about getting a tatoo.
Nothing gross,
or huge,
or too painful.

I have no fucking clue what I would have done.
Any ideas?
Let me rephrase that.
Any appropriate ideas?

My Body, My Right

2006-01-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

How dare you judge me.
You
who doesn't know me, my dreams, my past, my pain.
You don't know why I did it
and you dont understand.

I'm not ready,
to be a mother,
he isn't ready to be a father.

It was an accident.

The condom broke,
The Pill failed.

Oh, God
I am not ready to bring a baby into the world now,
not yet,
not with him,
he isn't the one,
he won't be a father
and what kind of mother could I be,
after what happened to me last year?

I'm not over it,
yet.

I don't wish this situation on our baby.

This morning I was 5 weeks along
and
now I am relieved.

Relieved that I am strong
Relieved that I have rights
that I have money
that I have a friend that supports me.

You see,
I am not ready,
emotionally,
financially,
physically.

I am going to wait until it is right.

My abortion was my choice,
my right,
my sadness,
and my very private moment.
I live with it, with my choice
NOT YOU!

Don't judge me,
you don't know who I am.

Today I blog for choice. Today I blog for my friend who needed me a few years ago in college. Today is the 23rd anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade decision. I am 28 years old. I am happily married. I own my home. I have a good job. I am financially secure.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow I would get an abortion right away.

I don't want a baby and QQ doesn't want one either. We don't want to bring an unwanted baby into this world. There are already plenty. The government and The Christian Coalition cannot tell me what to do with my body. It isn't their right! The decisions QQ and I make for our family belong to us and no one else.
Today I blog for Choice.
blog@bushvchoice.com

Grandmama's got the look!

2006-01-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today I took Grandma shopping for new shoes at Nordstrom Rack. She is such a style slut! I love it and I know where I get it from. She found the most adorable Diesel shoes. They are hot pink and red and soooooo cute. She tried them on and said they would look good with her Gap jeans and cords. She had to buy them. Everyone around her complimented her. They thought she was so cute and daring in the shoes. They all agreed she looked younger too. This made her smile. She said she felt closer to 80 then 90. Ahhhh...glad I could take her out for some fun.:)

Amazing Monkey Stories

2006-01-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

So today I had this big observation from a VIP in our district. I was a little nervous about it, but my little monkeys are so amazing. They are in third grade, but boy are they little smarties. They looked good and I looked great! I showed them a few games that teach area and perimeter and I was so excited when they connected it to multiplication without my help!!! When do kids ever perform like that?

On and off throughout my career (I am in year 6) I have thought about...getting out. Here's a list of reasons I should stick with my third grade monkeys:
1. They will always give you a hug when you need one.
2. They are eager to learn and are generally very moldable.
3. They make me feel like a rock star everyday.
4. I impact the future!
5. They will tell me when my socks don't match my outfit or when I am having a bad hair day.
6. I get to see drama performances everyday.
7. They never have a problem keeping it spycy!
8. I get the be the boss all day!
9. June, July, and August.

They always surprise you with their wild stories.
Here a few...
*One of my darling monkeys made me promise I would keep a secret. After she told me, it was hard to look her parents in the eye without laughing. She went looking for her birthday presents that her mother hid from her. She didn't find the presents instead she found something that she swears really grossed her out. No it wasn't a vibrator with attachments. It was a book...100 Ways to Please Your Man. She promised to quit snooping forever--lesson learned!

*Another monkey always made me smile and laugh and at the same time make me wish I could drink during my lunch break. One day during reading groups, I nagged him for forgeting his supplies for our group. I told him to hurry back to his seat and get his things. He did listen well, that time. He leaned over his desk and in the process he lost his pants. He didn't seem to notice until all of us noticed. Oh and he wasn't wearing any underwear (he forgot to put them on that morning). After plenty of laughs from all of us I walked him to the office to see if the nurse had any underwear. As we walked into the office our principal (a very nice woman) saw us and assumed the worst (it must be bad if your teacher walks you to the office). It wasn't a bad assumption, he was a frequent flyer to the office and I think his parents were on speed dial. After Monkey and I explained the problem everyone in the office was quiet until we left (with underwear). I think they were having great difficulty holding it in.

*I had a particularly spycy monkey one year who kept me on my toes daily. She was very smart and had older siblings. She asked me for a copy of the assignment. I had to go to my file cabinet to get it. I was bent over (with my ass in the air) looking for it, when I got a funny feeling. I turned around to see several monkeys standing there with smiles, big smiles. They said, "Mrs. SpycTeacher,it's a good thing you are thin and have a small butt. Can you imagine what that would have looked like otherwise?"

*My first year teaching I had the next American Idol. NO JOKE. He sang and danced, well all the time. He commented often that noise from others bothered him. So I gave him a set of headphones to use when he felt especially distracted. On one occasion, I noticed our principal standing in the doorway of our class watching him very intently. As my eyes shifted to him I too became bug eyed. There he was rocking out. I didn't know his butt could shake so fast. The principal asked me what he was listening to. She seemed concerned! I whispered...the headphones aren't plugged in. He danced for another few minutes and we all stopped what we were doing to listen to an encore performance of Whitney Houston. (OMG he's in 8th grade now!)

Do you want my job yet?

Jesus is my Prozac!

2006-01-16T10:06:00.000-08:00

Can you imagine such a world? Sofakitty saw this posted on a sign outside of a local church (I think she wrote about it on her blog A Couch Creation-check my sidebar if you are interested). It brought back so many memories about my struggles with religion. (A little Prozac AFTER church would have been nice!)

This got me thinking...
The other day MiTwife pulled into her driveway with the kids just in time to be greeted by morons, I mean Mormons. (I know that was judgemental and I am working on it...promise.) There were really sorry to hear that she wasn't interested in talkin with them and I am sure they were even more sorry to hear that she's an atheist. I was reminded of the crazy things that I have said to door-to-door bible thumpers.
In high school my asshole brother answered the door and introduced himself to a couple of thumpers. He told them that he wasn't interested, but that his sister was and he promptly scheduled a time for them to come back to the house to talk to me on Sat. morning. What a little fuckwit! As I recall that Sat. morning we all went grocery shopping (even dad) because nobody wanted to be home when they rang the bell.
In college they knocked on my door and I stole Dytz's line (he is a pro as he is a recovering Jehovah). I told them that my wife would not appreciate me talking to them. The look on their face was priceless. Another time I told them that they could come in and I would listen, but then they had to let me show my tits! I wish I was daring enough to invite them in, offer them coffee and actually "discuss" religion with them. It just seems like it would be an ackward experience. I would love to borrow a baby, put him on my boob, and answer the door fully exposed. For whatever reason that always grosses people out. MiTwife you fucking rule!!!

I don't need Jesus to be my Prozac.:) I can make my own choices about my life.
Is Jesus your Prozac? I wonder how many new cars will be in their parking lot on Sunday after reading that sign?

Not So Secret Crush

2006-01-13T20:54:00.000-08:00

Okay so I am going to just say it.
I have a crush on Clinton from What Not To Wear.
I can't help but think he is cute and smart and did I mention cute?
He strikes me as the kind of boyfriend who would take me shopping for Manolos on a date.
We would get massages and facials together every Sunday.
He might seduce me with words like Prada, Jimmy Choo, Tahari, Dior, Chanel, you get the fucking picture.
I think I could get wet if he said those words.
Ewww...I think I need to change my underwear, right now!
A few weeks ago I told Hubby my secret.
You know what that shit said to me?

SpyCgirl, if you make him your boyfriend you are going to have to take it in the ass.
Do you think Clinton spoons after sex?
Do you really think he is gay?
I have gaydar.
Don't fucking tell me I don't.
Call it intuition, Dytz shut up I was only wrong like, one time.
I see dead people too.
Okay not really, but that would be a cool new hobby.
I am thinking Clinton is a metrosexual.
I wonder if he is good in bed.
Yummy.:)

Mean Girls

2006-01-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

Did you ever see that movie?
It's true!
Girls ARE really that mean.
So two nights ago SofaKitty and I chatted in the car while QQ drove us to Nordstrom Rack for shoe shopping. Since it was a long drive across town we had plenty of time to chat about stuff,
you know,
girl stuff!
She asked me for my opinion about a little predicament she got into.
(After all I am the authority and should be asked for advice. I have a Master's in counseling. (That means I know it all.))
Her friend included her in an email confirming a dinner date with a group.
Hmmm...WTF
(That's what I was thinking.)
The only problem was that she wasn't included in the first email.
So SofaKitty and I went round and round about what to do.
Finally QQ interrupted us.
WTF!!! It was apparent he thought we were being nutty.
I reminded him social norms for guys don't apply to girls.
We are definetly our own breed and much more manipulative!
(Boys just beat eachother up and slap eachother's asses. Girls spread rumors about you and make you so miserable you want to kill yourself. Remember, junior high school? Does rehashing that shit make you think you need a drink? alcoholic!)

Why can't you just be upfront and find out what happened? QQ asked.
Honey, we are girls! Girls are mean and rotten!
Don't assume anything.
Girls don't just ask.
That is too forward.
So are you wondering what happened?
SofaKitty emailed her and played dumb about the whole thing.
Guess what, they say they didn't have her new email.

Oh...okay, I guess I am paranoid!
Enjoy your dinner SofaKitty.
Have a drink!

A Multi-Purpose Morning After Pill

2006-01-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

Did you know the morning after pill is birth control?
That's right,
its not an abortifacient!
My good friend MiTwife referred me to a great blog about midwifery. If you get curious, go to www.studentmidwife.org. So this blog got me thinking...
The thought of being pregnant makes me want to puke.
It also makes me feel suffocated.
I know, that must mean I am not ready.
(This is all good news as Hubby is not interested in having kids for a long time or perhaps forever. Sometimes I say thinks like, "Honey, I've been thinking... That always scares him. He worries that I might say that dirty word, BABY. I suppose that is a mean joke to play on him.)
Anyway,
So why is it that this topic interests me so?
MiTwife tells me stories of the births she attends as a doula and a midwife apprentice and I can't wait to hear all the details.
I am amazed by the biology of pregnancy and birth.
I always ask her questions.
I beg for more info from her.
She is brillant afterall.
Women bleed.
I used to think it was simply gross and unfortunate
that men don't,
but now I consider it a right.
It makes us powerful!
It makes us different,
in a good way.

I mean it when I say that I am not ready to breed.

However, I have developed some opinions about how I will bring a baby into this world if I do, indeed, ever get prego.
I can tell you
(because you care, right)
I would definetly not get an ob and go to a hospital.
The mainstream way of birthing babies in America is not for me.
I guess that makes me a granola cruncher.
Call me whatever,
I don't really care.
I am proud to be different.
Having a baby is not an illness or an emergency.
Therefore, there is no need to go to a hospital to deliver a baby (for me, I don't care what the rest of you do).
I could go on forever about this topic, but you are yawning so I will stop.

Another thought...
I wish there was a multi-purpose morning after pill.
Then I could take it the morning after I got no sleep because I listened to a stray car alarm all night or because I drank more then I planned to.

My head is packed,

2006-01-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

but not with ideas. Who the hell cares, though. What a busy day! Yesterday I stayed home from work and spent the day limping around until my doctor appointment in which I almost died! Well, not really. I had that gross ingrown toenail removed.The needle was huge and painful, twice, in case you were wondering. I don't wish that experience on anyone. I went shopping for nothing at Nordstrom Rack tonight and of course I found something I needed. I love that place. I found 2 great pairs of shoes at great prices. For the last few hours I have been cleaning my desk and the many mountains of paper in our loft. Who knew I could get quite that disorganized? Well, perhaps it is no surprise. I have nothing very interesting to say. I am going to go soak my foot and head to bed. (I can hardly wait.)

Fish eyes and cider

2006-01-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that I enjoy adult beverages.
And after the day we had today,
I needed one...
real bad.
We spent the day moving BeadSlut out of her apartment.
QQ and BeadSlut kept calling me whipcracker!
QQ must have forgotten that I have sworn him to secrecy.
He is only allowed to call me that in bed...
I could fucking wish!!!

Just imagine the fun we had...
No, not in bed!

...up and down stairs, load shit into the truck, drop off at storage, come back and do it all over again,
a few more times!
You only find out if your friends are true when you ask them to help move you out and they accept.
STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS
YES THAT WOULD BE US!
BeadSlut, you are really loved.:)

*Check out my pic.
Don't I look absolutely awful.
I usually consider myself HOT!
That fucking glass didn't do me any justice!
My teeth are my favorite part!

By the way, tomorrow is the first day I head back to the gym after a two month break.
I am going to give it a try even though I have an ingrown toenail that is KILLING me.
I might need to go the doc for it.
YUCK!

While at Amber's apartment today, I stood on her scale and found out that I weigh about 125 pounds.
Although that is ideal (I guess),
I can't stop thinking of those dimples I noticed in my ass a few weeks ago
(see previous December post).
I mean, hell I am only 28!
It is time to give a damn and fuck with the lights on again!
LOL

Ponder This...

2006-01-07T00:55:00.000-08:00

*MEN CAN BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES!
MiTwife shared this with us
(and MiTwife is like, totally smart and knows everything about birthing babies and caring for them! So BELIEVE her!)
Did you know men have the same...plumbing?

*According to the Feb. issue of Marie Claire there are 4 Vagina Mistakes YOU Don't Have To Make
(BOYS YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS PART!)
1. Share your razor with your man/bootie call--BOYS ALWAYS HATE THAT ANYWAY!
You can get his germs if you nick yourself.
2. Get a high-risk piercing. You could get TSS (from the piercing, not your super absorbant tampons)
3. Treat your own yeast infection. Ewww!!!
4. Use the wrong type of condom

*Each June in Portugal the northern town of Amarante holds a festival in honor of Sao Goncolo, the Patron Saint of lovers. The unmarried men and women celebrate by exchanging penis-shaped cakes to express their affections for each other.

Hmmm...I wonder what else they exchange?
Any thoughts?

For whatever reason this reminded me of a memory that always makes me grin.

We were young and ready for adventure.
So we hiked to that spot,
the hidden one.
And there we sat on the beach at Lake Tahoe,
the nude beach.
Hubby was clothed in swim shorts, shirt, and hat under an umbrella.
MiTwife and her hubby had on swimsuits and sunglasses.
I sat in a bikini, (I looked hot, of course.)
Dytz was naked.

As I recall,
his ass was firm, cute...
I almost spanked it!

A little out of place we all seemed.
We were new to our surroundings.

Behind us there she was,
sitting next to her boytoy...
...in all her glory.
MiTwife noticed her, then we all noticed.
It was shiny.
It glistened in the sun.
It fucking blinded me for a moment!
It was her piercing.

Specifically, her hootchie piercing.
Her legs were spread. She was hairy.
She needed grooming.

How strange we must have seemed to those who wandered by.
Four sunbathers clothed on a nude beach.
And behind us sat the nude couple showing off some bling, bling.
They weren't glamourous.
But they were proud to flaunt it.
All of it!

That piercing.
Ouch!
Exactly what position are you in when you get that done?
I wonder.
Boy, she was daring!

*What the F*ck?
I was thinking I would go with a psycho stripper, but a deranged buffalo doing a dance would be interesting. Can I have both?

Sidebar

2006-01-06T01:22:00.000-08:00

FYI (to any who give a shit)
A.C. I added you to my sidebar because I think you are funny.
NOT because I want to stalk you.
I promise.
:)

Does anyone know how to add pictures to the sidebar?
I haven't been able to figure that out yet.
It is really important as I need to put pics of my fur babies there!
LOL

Journalistic integrity

2006-01-06T01:10:00.000-08:00

Jon Stewart is so FUCKING funny
and of course
he is a journalist with integrity!
I get so sick of watching the news.
Sometimes they are so stupid and ask such stupid questions.
That's why I turn to Comedy Central to get the real scoop...

"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart--It's even better than being informed!"

I am up late again
and watching one of my favorite shows.
The other one is Bill Maher on HBO.
He can cuss and say really inappropriate things.
I love that!]
I wonder if Jon Stewart ever considers moving to HBO.
I can wish.
It can be so hard to get back into the work routine.
I also have a mountain of papers to grade,
but my cute kitty is fast asleep on them.
I suppose it is best not to disturb him.
Sleep is so important.
I didn't really want to grade them anyway.

I had a great teacher moment today.
It was the kind that reminds me why I became a teacher.:)
I ran in to a parent who nicely told me that she and her husband really want their son to be in my classroom next year.
She told me they have been waiting for two years for him to be in my class and now they only have to wait 6 months.
She totally made my day!!!
Tomorrow is Friday and I can't wait. I have tons of crap to do and I want a day when I can sleep in. Hello Saturday...get here
NOW!

Appropriate Dinner Conversation...of course

2006-01-04T20:56:00.001-08:00

You can lick my ass all you want, but I sure as hell ain't gonna lick yours'!

WTF
That's what you are thinking,
right?
Have you ever had a conversation like this one with your bitch?
Or was it your hooker?
I guess Hubby and I really are that raunchy.
Or are we that curious?
No, not really.
We like not following rules and shocking others.
What do you think Pres. Bush would think?
Would he approve?

Are you wondering why Hubby might say something like that to me?
If you know him...
...you aren't wondering.

Have you ever watched Real Sex on HBO?
Hubby and I were talking about freaky sex while drinking smoothies and eating a greasy dinner in the Sonic parking lot.
Healthy, I know...so shut up!

Mom would be so proud,
of the dinner conversation
of course.

I was reminded of a couple that confessed (on Real Sex) they lick each other's asses. They looked oh so innocent.
Hmmm, it got me thinking...
So I mentioned it to Hubby, just to see what he would say.
That's when he let me know his opinion about giving and receiving!
I couldn't help but be slightly curious and also relieved!

The POWER of female sex and other thoughts

2006-01-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

Are you ready to take the Iron Hymen Abstinence-only Pledge?

I, [SpyCgirl], hereby pledge:
1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)
2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.
3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.
4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

Find out more info about "Iron Hymen" at www.ironhymen.com.

I heard if you send Pres. Bush a letter stating you waited until marriage, you get a postcard that congratulates you!
Word.
Shit, does this mean I have to get rid of my fuck-me heels?
Those hot looking pointy toed boots.
Those boots make me feel POWERFUL!
Oh, that's right I'm married.
:)
That means Hubby is allowed to VIOLATE my hoo hoo regularly.
He's my hoo hoo lover!
Hmmm...Maybe I shouldn't have worn white.

Other Thoughts...

Motherfucker!
Suck my Wenis!
Love,
******

So take that. You would imagine this is something annoyed strangers might say to each other in a nightclub. Okay, so maybe they are pissed off strangers. Really pissed off! WRONG! It happened in my classroom today. Ahh...you thought little monkeys were cute and innocent. Did I burst your bubble? I promise most of the time they are cute and about 75% of the time they are innocent! HeHe.

What the F*ck?

2006-01-03T00:38:00.000-08:00

The Raunchy Version!
Have you played it?
Just wondering,
Hubby and I got What the F*ck? The Raunchy Version! Book Two for Christmas.
What is it, you ask?
It's a drinking game!

Thanks for the present BKSnowley!
You must think we are REALLY raunchy!
Thanks for the compliment.:)

Are you all ready to play?
Okay, everyone gets an A/B coin. A player volunteers to be the Subject of the first question. (I will volunteer.) The Subject rolls the three dice. The numbers he/she rolls correspond to the question that is asked. Let's pretend I rolled the number 154.

Question 154: Who would you rather spend the night in a haunted house with?
A-a psycho stripper B-a deranged water buffalo

Now another player announces the corresponding drink penalty (in this case it is 2 drinks). Everyone guesses what the Subject will say and places his.her coin in one hand with his answer facing up.

So do you think I answered A or B?
Take a guess.
I triple dog dare all of you!!!

In case you were wondering...

2006-01-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

...Yep!
I'm still alive
and a total and complete BAG-WHORE!
That's right.
You read correctly.
A few days ago I woke up, looked across the room and noticed my purses hanging on the doorknob.
Holy crap!
I had about $500 worth of purses!
I wonder how many expensive purses you have to own before you become a bag-whore?
I figure I must already qualify because I have my eye on another purse.

(I always have my eye on another purse. Althought I thoroughly enjoy what I've got!)

Our vacation is coming to an end.
Don't cry for me Argentina.
Anyway,
as we left the lakehouse today I couldn't help but feel sad
or was I just thinking about all the crap I have to do when I get home.
SHIT, I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK ON TUESDAY!
Oh God,
now the stress sets in.
I have to teach on Tuesday and I am not even close to being ready!
Don't panic.
It always comes together
because I am THAT smart!
Like you care,
right?

Tomorrow morning Hubby and I leave to go back to sincity.
I can't wait to hug and kiss my furbabies!
Yes I am definetly one of those pet owners others talk about.
My two kitties are the cutiest fucking cats in the whole world!
Don't try to challenge me because you know I am right!!!

New Year's was very low-key and fun. How lucky I am to have such great friends.:)

Danger, Danger

2005-12-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, Batman! Reno, Nevada is flooding. I am reminded of college and the 1997 New Year's Day flooding. HORRIBLE! So much for a fun filled last couple of days of vacation! Yesterday, we planned to ice skate, play at the indoor rock climbing wall, and take a cable car ride at Squaw Valley USA. Instead, all we did there was eat and watch the fucking rain!!! I suppose there will be no ice skating or skiing anytime soon and I have to go back to work on Tuesday. That SUCKS! Hubby woke me up this morning to tell me about all the flooding. We have a friend to pick up at the airport tonight and we have other friends coming up to the Lake for our little new year's party. Hmmm...we shall see what pans out! We might be lonely.
Happy New Year to all!

Ramblings and Advice from a SpyCgirl

2005-12-30T02:05:00.000-08:00

Jesus, I am up late AGAIN.
I need to be up early, but whatever.
I will have to suffer tomorrow.
I will not be grouchy! I will not be grouchy! I will not be...oh fuck it...I might be grouchy tomorrow.
Today was another easy vacation day. We saw a movie (Memoirs of a Geisha) and ate a fab dinner (thanks Hubby) with friends. Our friend's mother arrived from Paris and she came bearing gifts. How sweet and oh so thougthful! I now have a French shawl that is absolutely beautiful and authentic. Lucky me. I am thankful and I can't wait to wear it.:)

Other thoughts...
I am proud to say I possess a big attitude problem.
It seems to get bigger each year, but many of you knew that already.
As the year comes to a close I feel the need to cleanse myself and confess my sins.
Hmmm....
OR NOT!
Are they really sins or are they just impulsive thoughts and experiences?
I guess that depends on whether you are a Christian or an atheist.
I am an atheist.
They are just impulsive thoughts and experiences.
Shit, ADHD moment...back to my original point...

I have several thoughts I have pondered and I need a place to vent, so here goes.
For starters, THEY are everywhere! You KNOW who I am talking about, don't you? It's those damned right winged freaks. At breakfast this morning, we picked up a local community newspaper I will refer to as TOILET PAPER or TP! The people writing in this paper are fucking crazy! They refer to liberals as cookie cutters and secular which is exactly what they are and what liberals are trying to prevent. FUCKING HACKS! They claim we won the war in Vietnam. They dedicated their entire front page to the "War on Christmas." Last I checked they and GOP TV declared the so-called War on Christmas. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS YOU FUCKING FUCKWITS! I HOPE HILLARY RUNS AND WINS IN 2008! TAKE THAT AND SMOKE IT IN YOUR PIPES!

Onto next topic: BABIES

I have reached an age in my life when many think that since I am married it is time for me to BREED!
Oh, Jesus,
I feel no need to incubate a parasite for nine months and then pop it out.
I have considered that I MAY one day breed, but I don't know I can be rather selfish for all the right reasons.

Until then...

Consider some advice from a SpyCgirl!

1.Remind people not to wear fur. If you see it on others, do the animals a favor and kindly tell your peps their coat is bleeding!
2.When others ask why you aren't prego or already with child, fill them in...you've been vaccinated!
3.If you have nothing nice to say, consider sitting next to a SpyCgirl, I mean sit on a SpyCgirl's lap (yes, she is probably looking for some action). Maybe you will end up being BFF (you know, Best Friends Forever)!

*Please note I have added "The 411 on SpyCgirl" to the sidebar because I know you are all DYING to know more about me!

Happy Friday!

Bad Habits

2005-12-29T01:41:00.000-08:00

It's almost 2 in the morning.
I am not tired.
Really,
I mean it.
I have been on vacation for a week and a half.
Now I stay up late and get up late.
I love being a rebel.

I love being a night owl. As a child, I loved sleeping in late in the morning. I especially loved staying at my grandma's house because she is a night owl too. We stayed up late reading trashy novels and slept the morning away.

My first day back at work is really going to suck.
I am learning BAD HABITS here!
Tonight Dytz and I played two games of Carcassone!
He fucking killed me during our second game.
Bitch.
All right, I'll forgive him...I won the first couple times we played.
Payback can be hell!
Oh my God, my vacation will be over soon.
That sucks.

We went out for Thai food tonight. It was so much fun to drive in the snow. It was beautiful. Kevin finally got to use 4-wheel drive!

Ahh, maybe I'll go have another piece of cake.
Here's to bad habits! Cheers and remember, don't be a FUCKWIT!

Death By Chocolate

2005-12-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

I was standing naked in the bathroom yesterday morning, waiting for the water to get hot in the shower.
Suddenly, there they were,
in the mirror,
the DIMPLES IN MY ASS.
Is God punishing me for not working out for the last month?
Oh Christ!
Oh shit!
Oh my Fucking God!
Oh that's right I don't believe in God.
Anywho,
where did they come from? I worked out for a while and they were gone.
I can't even take a 4 week hiatus?
WTF!
Oh well,
Fuck it, drive on.
Note to self: Enjoy sex often, IN THE DARK, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE! After vacation, go back to the gym and kick butt in yoga class!

Last night I had an opportunity to scream NO to more dimples in my ass,
but I couldn't resist!
You know, it's entirely possible...
Death by chocolate,
that is.
We celebrated my father-in-law's 60th birthday by eating the most amazing chocolate cake.
About an hour ago, I had another piece.
You know, after I couldn't fight THE craving.
Damn, that was good!

Today has been a lazy day. We have enjoyed our view of Lake Tahoe from the living room. It has rained and snowed all day.

Geez, Hubby sure has a hearty laugh.
I don't know what the fuck he is watching in the other room, but he sure thinks it's funny!
I am glad to hear him laugh,actually.
The poor thing has been sick this whole week.
If asked, he would probably tell you he felt like a bag of chewed up buttholes! Ha.
Or, maybe he would just say he didn't feel that great.
Who knows.
He can be unpredictable!
That's what makes him fun!

Tonight I plan to sit by the cozy fire, watch it snow, play a fun game with friends, and drink a glass (or two) of wine.

Cheers and remember, DON'T BE A FUCKWIT!

Ahh...vacation

2005-12-26T12:43:00.000-08:00

Wow! That's about all I can say. It is truely amazing to be here! Last year, we were in Paris and I was sad when I realized I wouldn't be going there this year. Instead, we planned a trip to Lake Tahoe. This morning I awoke to the most breathtaking view. This place is absolutely beautiful. It snowed last night and everything is dusted in white beauty! Can you imagine living here? Now that would be the perfect life. I guess I should stop complaining that I am not in Paris. This place is just as wonderful and the lakehouse is great!
I went skiing at Diamond Peak Ski Resort in Incline Village today. The weather was kind of crappy, but it was actually nice to be alone. Hubby was sick and didn't want to ski. Dytz is a snow bunny and a lodge lizard--obviously he didn't want to ski. At the last minute my ski buddy changed his mind. It ended up being nice that I could be alone with my own thoughts. Scary, I know! Tonight we played a great game called Carcassonne. It was totally fun and reminded me of France! If you are looking for a new board game this one is it. Check it out on www.amazon.com or www.riograndegames.com.

Santa puked in my house

2005-12-24T13:58:00.000-08:00

...Not really, but that would be...
interesting!

We had Christmas early and I have since realized that we made out good!
Pricey Purse-$$
Good Knives-$$$
Laptop-$$$$
Time with family-Priceless
Isn't that ad getting old?

Last night I played Santa. Actually, I think I was Santa's bitch, but it was fun.
(MiTwife, was it as good for you as it was for me?)
MiTwife and I wrapped Christmas presents for the boys. It was nice to catch up with an old friend. I miss you when I am gone MiTwife!!!
Today we are off to the lakehouse. I am so excited to visit with friends, laugh, play in the snow, ski, and most importantly drink!
Merry Christmas to all!
May God bless you and your family-HA, that's a laugh!

The Coffee Clatch

2005-12-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

There is something special about small town life. I always get that extra special feeling when we go to Gardnerville to visit my hubby's family. This morning bright and early at 7am (yes I actually got up before 7), my father-in-law and I went to Sharkey's for the coffee clatch. This is where you go when you want everyone to know your name (and give you a hug)! I had my $2 short stack and sat and gabbed for an hour with all of my father-in-law's friends. What fun! In case you are wondering, men DO gossip quite a bit.

What's in a name anyway?

2005-12-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Candy Coxx

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Allison Ramada or Candy Coxx? Hmm...which do all of you vote for?

BK I decided to help you find your porn star name. I had so much fun (I know that isn't normal!) thinking about it that I started looking up other names. Everyone, check these out. They are all from www.jasonscock.com (Because I know all of you are wondering)!

BK-Kitty Strokum

Dytz-Kung-fu Grip

Qqflyboy-Kara Slickbooty

MiTwife (SA)-Tonya Fuzzynuts

Hsent-Sindy Strokum

BeadSlut-Oral Slickbooty

Illusionaire-Barbie Pimplebutt

Is this the Twilight zone?

2005-12-21T22:54:00.000-08:00

Because it isn't usually this easy to get this type of action from a guy with nothing in return!

BEWARE
Mom, if you just happened to be checking in on me and seeing what I write, you may want to skip this one. I don't know if I can look you in the eye after writing such dirty thoughts. To the rest of you, this entry is sexed up, but it's my first try at writing like this. You may want to skip the popcorn and just be kind to me.

Wow, he wants me bad.
I told him I hadn't showered today. I mentioned my toothache.
Then I mentioned that I needed it. You know what I mean.
I should hurry and take a shower before he arrives. I am a bit unkept...down there at the moment.
God my tooth hurts!
On second thought, skip the shower.
Oh, I'm excited.
Maybe I should change my underwear.
They are a little wet, and grandmaish too.
Get the sexy ones on.
He should be here in ten minutes.
Quick, change the litter box. Gross!
Wash hands.
Fix hair.
God, my tooth still hurts.
Door bell.

Breathe, calm down. OPEN THE DOOR!

Am I really going to do this? You bet I am.
No strings attached.
What a relief!
What a nice smile he has!
What a nice tongue he has!

Click, the door closed. To my bedroom we walked.

An hour of blissful, lazy pleasure.
Who knew being single again could be such a breathe of fresh air...

FYI: This really happened to one of my friends the other day. A hot friend went down on her for an hour and then went home. Boy, doesn't she have it easy! Aren't you all jealous?

It's a wonderful life

2005-12-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

Indeed, it really is a wonderful life.

This morning I awoke to that stupid alarm.
Slam, snore for 10 more minutes.
Stupid alarm again.
Slam, crap, I actually have to get up this time!
That sucks! I think I actually hit snooze for another half hour. Honestly, I never remember how many times I hit snooze. It is such a tramatic thing to get up before 6am! I always try to block out the experience.

Oh wait, I almost forgot to mention. I am excited to be getting up. I am leaving for a week and a half winter wonderland vacation. I am already thinking about the snowman I am going to make with the 2 kids I plan to rent. Well, on second thought, I will just borrow my friend's kids. We are going to have the best Martha Stewart vacation ever. Like I said, it really is a wonderful life!

Over the hills and through the woods to my in-law's house we go!!!

We were in the car on our way to the Lake Tahoe area by 7:00 am!
I am so proud.
Really I am, we stayed up way to late and we still got out of the house before 8am.
I think I deserve a medal.
Laundry, cleaning, packing, packing, and more fucking packing. Really my life was hard last night.
I definetely deserve a medeal!
Do you know how much time it takes to get ready for a skiing vacation?
I know what your are thinking.
Yes, my life really is that hard!
LOL
Christmas with family is always fun.
Especially when you get a new laptop...actually this is hubby's new laptop.
I am just borrowing it.
I also happen to be the first one to really use it!
Does that make me a bitch?
God, I love the sound of my fingers typing.
It makes me feel smart.
Sort of...

Venting

2005-12-19T23:08:00.001-08:00

Thank God I feel better today! Saturday night I came home from a Christmas party feeling fine and I woke up yesterday with what I am guessing was the stomach flu. YUCK! I could barely get out of bed. My original plans of Christmas shopping were thrown out. The new menu included yogurt, tomato soup, plenty of Gatorade, and Pepto, oh and a marathon of Law and Order SVU and What Not To Wear. What a horrible, boring day. To top it off, my mother called last night to check on me and the fucking phone died while we were talking! Guess what...it still doesn't work. I hate Sprint. This has got to be the third or forth time they will have to come out and fix the phone line.

Today is shaping up to be pretty boring too. Nothing fun to do...just boring errands!

Just as I predicted

2005-12-17T23:57:00.000-08:00

You Are Most Like Miranda!

While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first
Guys are a distant third to your friends and career.
And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses.
Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen.

Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect...

But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Can a cowboy really get what he wants?

2005-12-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

The things we consider when we can't sleep. Insomnia is such a bitch!

In my boredom, I have been surfing for the last half hour. I landed on the U.S. Department of Education's site, www.ed.gov . I think I need a drink and maybe even a good cry!

I clicked on the link that says, No Teacher Left Standing. No it was the other link. It said, "Learn more about No Child Left Behind."

Signed by the "W" on January 8, 2002 this historic reform is based on the following:

Stronger Accountability for Results
More Freedom for States and Communities
Encouraging Proven Education Methods
More Choices for Parents

Hmm...Can this cowboy really get what he wants? What exactly was Bush's plan here? It appears that N.C.L.B. isn't going anywhere and that is unfortunate, much like the pimple on my forehead! The next time I hear ignorant fucks talking about all the positive reasons to embrace this law, I am going to consider these thoughts instead:

Teaching is the profession that teaches all other professions. ~Author Unknown
A good teacher is like a candle-it consumes itself to light the way for others. ~Author Unknown
Good teachers are costly, but bad teachers cost more. ~Bob Talbert
Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a lost tradition. ~Jacques Barzun
The best teachers teach from the heart, not from a book. ~Author Unknown
The art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery. ~Mark Van Doren

Let N.C.L.B. rest in peace.
If you are curious, check out www.nochildleft.com for a more sound approach to school improvement.

Toxic Thoughts

2005-12-16T23:28:00.001-08:00

Ah, winter break is finally here. At 3:06 I waved goodbye to my little monkeys, walked back to my classroom, and cleaned up after a fairly low key party. The sound of the door closing was...heaven. As I drove home I realized my vacation had finally arrived! Yippee, Lake Tahoe here I come and the stress is over (for 2 weeks). I smiled to myself as I got in my car and turned off the radio. I NEVER do that--you know, turn off the radio, but this was a special occasion. I needed to celebrate the moment. I went to my happy place. You know the one. Think Louis Armstrong, visualize it right now...

I see trees of green...red roses too
I see 'em bloom...for me and you
and I think to myself...what a wonderful wor....

...What the fuck does that say? My moment came to an abrupt end. My curiosity was peaked. Sitting at the stoplight, I noticed IT on the car in front of me. The state of Texas was on IT. Oh, here it was, my chance to indulge myself in one of my favorite TOXIC habits, Bush Bashing!

I know it is toxic to ruin a positive moment with a negative thought, but it was worth it and I couldn't resist myself...

Either I'll love it, or I'll hate it
Hmmm...I am going to go with loving it (positive thinking helps)
Oh shit, the sun is so fucking bright
I can't quite make out the letters
Inch closer
God, I hope the light doesn't turn before I see it
I can't handle the anticipation
Maybe I need Zoloft
LOL
Oh, I FUCKING love it
I haven't seen that one

"Somewhere in Texas a village is missing its idiot"

Enough said.

What's your porn name?

2005-12-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

Call me Allison Ramada...that's my new name, I mean my porn name. I have starred in several films that include: A Cup cuties Do Vegas and Pretty Bitches Parts 1 and 2 to mention a few...okay I'll cut the crap! So what's your name? Follow the formula, look in the mirror, and practice saying your name proudly--it is good for your self-esteem!

middle name + the name of the first street you lived on = your new identity

In other news...
I was chatting with my coworkers today about the various shows in town. One of them mentioned she didn't like Avenue Q at Wynn because the content was questionable, she even walked out of the show. Then she asked me what show I saw last. I don't think anyone was impressed when I said it was Zumanity! I am sure they were even less impressed when I told them I liked it. I thought the voluptuous sisters with strawberries were very HOT! The drag queen was also fun. How can you live in Las Vegas and be such a prude? Perhaps I should take my hubby to Avenue Q after the new year.:)

Fascinating Womanhood...I think not!

2005-12-13T18:51:00.000-08:00

Bitch, get my coffee, clean my house, birth my babies, make my dinner, and don't forget to take my coat when I come home, put away my shoes, and cut and file my nails! This would be my hubby's expectation, oops I mean Demetrius' expectation of his wife. Do you watch bad TV very often? Last night, my hubby slyly reminded me to do MY job (no, it isn't what you're thinking--dirty minds). It went something like this...Honey, you've been a very bad girl, go to our room...after you do the dishes and don't forget I made your fucking dinner! Ahhh, I love that guy. :)

To ensure that I was highly distracted while performing my duties (LOL), I turned on bad TV. WOW! I tuned in to watch my very first episode of Wife Swap on ABC. Maryland mom, Dawn and her husband Demetrius believe in "Fascinating Womanhood" as a way of life--whatever the hell that means! They believe a woman's place is in the home serving her husband's every need--she doesn't even leave the house when her husband is gone...can you imagine such a horrible life?

After "deep" thought about this new show, I realized I needed to ask myself one, simple question. What the hell would Betty do? During the commercial breaks, I reviewed my favorite how to guide "How to succeed at the expense of others in this world and the next" written by Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's BEST Christian. She reminded me what is important in my marriage and my life.

I can't believe I actually forgot about the organization, B.I.T.C.H. (Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers). I think I should send Dawn her very own submission muzzle. This will ensure that Demetrius never feels threatened by her again!

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

2005-12-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank all of Michael's fans for remaining faithful to him when he was axed from Alias a few months ago. We all knew he would be back, didn't we? Just check out the picture. Isn't he hot? Are you panting? I sure as hell am! Oops, I'm slobbering too. Honestly, I was beginning to worry about him. His tragic end on Alias was heartbreaking...you remember, the hail of bullets, Sidney's tears (she really didn't deserve him, he was meant for me). Perhaps it was a good thing he left the show...I hear it totally sucks without him!

Very soon he will be starring in a new show called Kitchen Confidential. He is going to play a womanizing French chef--yummy. I have been fantasizing for quite some time now that he will pop up on an HBO show where I would have a better chance of seeing him naked, but this will do. I am also excited to learn that his former costar on Alias (Bradley Cooper) will star opposite him. He's another hottie that I thought was long gone. Hopefully this series won't be written by J.J. Abrams...then we can ensure that it will last longer than a few years!

By the way, I added a new link to a Michael Vartan fan site. This girl seems to love him as much as I do. No that isn't possible! I still love him more.

Dildos For Christmas

2005-12-11T22:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to me!

Errrr...what the hell is that? This was our thought last night at a Christmas party we went to. We did one of those white elephant gift exchanges. My hubby thought I was a total pussy when I was too prude to bring my boob soap on a rope or my beer helmet from college as a contribution to the fun. Boy was he right! One of my coworkers opened a nicely wrapped gift to reveal a huge dildo that looked something like this one! Of course, everyone speculated who brought it, but noone was brave enough to claim it. I felt like an even bigger chicken when another gift was opened to reveal a set of 3 juggling boobs. Who knew teacher Christmas parties could be so raunchy?

Lucky for us we brought junk to give away and we received good stuff! I won a Starbucks gift card (SCORE--Now I can get a couple of fru-fru drinks for free!) and the new Madonna CD. The CD is fun to listen to... I have to say Madonna has reinvented herself again. It is all club music and the truth is I want to hear loud rap music when I drive to work not club music. I think I will leave the CD at home for parties. As I played it last night I was reminded of a time in a gay night club with good friends--very similar music. Ahhh...good times.:)

There is a new SpyCgirl in town!

2005-12-10T11:18:00.001-08:00

Hello and welcome to my new blog. Check back soon for an interesting read!