How far...
...am I willing to go.
I had this thing happen in my life a few weeks ago that seems to happen every few years. It occurs when I least expect it and it always forces me to mark another tally mark in the "dissapointment" column. I chatted with Dear Friend this evening for quite a while about the issue. He got me thinking. How far am I willing to run for Dissapointment? I haven't allowed Dissapointment inside my soul in years. It hurts too much. When I invest love and care, Dissapointment pushes me away. When I express interest, he makes fun. When I try to help...he fucks up BADLY. I don't think he wants me to let him in or anybody else for that matter. I have been coping with my tally marks for years, about 15 years to be exact.
The latest consequence...I knew it was coming,
sooner or later...is bad.
Now that it has arrived I am greeting it with a "told-you-so look." It is for the best...for Dissapointment, for me, for The Others. I can only imagine what this will do to The Others. I hope they can move on and let go...It's not their fault (they just don't know that). They too are sucked into Dissapointment's world. I have been lucky enough to remove myself as much as possible. So now I get to play the waiting game. Wait and see how bad the damage is. How well will The Others weather the storm? Hope for the best...be there for The Others...as much as possible. The truth is, my thoughts have turned so dark about Dissapointment in the past several years that I don't think I can really be there. It is one part of my life where I pass a great deal of judgement,REAL judgement. I harbor evil thoughts that I feel guilty about, but only sometimes...like tonight.
I had this thing happen in my life a few weeks ago that seems to happen every few years. It occurs when I least expect it and it always forces me to mark another tally mark in the "dissapointment" column. I chatted with Dear Friend this evening for quite a while about the issue. He got me thinking. How far am I willing to run for Dissapointment? I haven't allowed Dissapointment inside my soul in years. It hurts too much. When I invest love and care, Dissapointment pushes me away. When I express interest, he makes fun. When I try to help...he fucks up BADLY. I don't think he wants me to let him in or anybody else for that matter. I have been coping with my tally marks for years, about 15 years to be exact.
The latest consequence...I knew it was coming,
sooner or later...is bad.
Now that it has arrived I am greeting it with a "told-you-so look." It is for the best...for Dissapointment, for me, for The Others. I can only imagine what this will do to The Others. I hope they can move on and let go...It's not their fault (they just don't know that). They too are sucked into Dissapointment's world. I have been lucky enough to remove myself as much as possible. So now I get to play the waiting game. Wait and see how bad the damage is. How well will The Others weather the storm? Hope for the best...be there for The Others...as much as possible. The truth is, my thoughts have turned so dark about Dissapointment in the past several years that I don't think I can really be there. It is one part of my life where I pass a great deal of judgement,REAL judgement. I harbor evil thoughts that I feel guilty about, but only sometimes...like tonight.
posted by Bethany at 8:26 PM
3 Comments:
Well that's depressing as fuck. And why is "disappointment" categorized as a "he." I don't think I am that he, but you're scaring me.
don't worry dear...it isn't you...and Disappointment is a he.
I know your evil thoughts, and they aren't terribly evil. Those thoughts are a desperate hope for closure, for both you and him. Hope that he doesn't get worse, act worse, or end up physically hurting somebody other than himself.
I know those thoughts, and while you feel guilty about them because you are a good, loving, caring person, you should put the following thought in your file cabinet. Whatever happens isn't your fault. You are not him, you can no longer influence him, even if you try, and you are not responsible for him or his actions.
You are yourself, you've done your best. And you are now doing your best to not be dragged down further by him.
You are right. And while your feelings of guilt are valid because you are a good, kind, emptathetic person, I am forced to say - You should not feel guilty.
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